As Joe Cocker and the Beatles stated, I get by "with a little help from my friends!!"

In one of my previous posts, I introduced you to one of my friends, the Genderbread person.




This to me is a fantastic graphic describing the differences between a person's gender identity, their sexual orientation, their biological sex etc.  If you notice over on the right, there is a spectrum of gender identities, some identify as neutral or non gendered, others feel fully male or female. And within biological sex, there are those who are born intersex, with parts of both male and female reproductive systems. (People who feel as though their biological sex and gender match are called cis-gender).  For me, I feel as though my biological sex does not match my gender which causes dysphoria.  The medical condition is called Gender Dysphoria.  The definition for Dysphoria is:  "a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life."  So Gender Dysphoria is a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction or disconnect between their biological sex and their gender.  Initially, many transgender people experience what has been termed "Gender Identity Incongruence", which is an overall feeling that something doesn't match, however no big deal.  Often times, this feeling goes away.  For me, and other people who are Transgender, this continues on into puberty and into adulthood and grows into full blown Dysphoria.  This Dysphoria for me tends to come out in a variety of ways, such as:

1 .Looking at myself in the mirror, and not recognizing the person in front of me.
2. Wishing and hoping that some miracle will occur to turn me into a woman (and then when the reality happens that is not going to happen, depression often follows.)
3. Jealously.  I honestly often times get jealous, not only of other women, but of men as well.  How I would LONG to feel comfortable not only in my own body, but within my gender/biological sex.  At times, I get overwhelmed with knowing that I quite possibly could be the only one in a room that experiences Gender Dysphoria, which leads to.......
4. Lonliness-  I often feel so alone and so overwhelmed at my loneliness that it leads to ....
5.  Depression:  I often get depressed and am currently on anti-depressants and therapy to cope with this depression.
5. Anxiety:  I have had panic attacks (or near panic attacks due to the disconnect I feel between my gender identity and my biological sex.) 
6:  Anger.  I really get frustrated with the gender norms of our society.  As evidenced by the Genderbread person, a person's gender expression is an important part of who they are.  I've used this analogy before, and I think it bears repeating again.  If a woman wants to go out with short hair, in a t-shirt, jeans, sneakers etc, no one even gives it a second thought.  We also must realize it wasn't always this way. However, if a man wants to go out in a dress, skirt, blouse or high heels.... well to quote one of my favorite movie villains of all time........














This gets really frustrating to me, however it is the society that we live in.

Given that there are a wide variety of ways that people experience Gender Dysphoria, there are an equal number of ways that people choose to cope with their gender Dysphoria.  I'd like to post two videos of two people who have chosen two different ways to manage their Gender Dypshoria, and please note, that in talking to each of them, they will both tell you that their stories are theirs alone,and they are in no way stating that theirs is the ONLY path, each transgender individual needs to find their own way.  The first video is from a friend of mine named Nick. You can watch his video Here. The other story comes from other friends Neca Allgood, and Grayson Moore and their video can be seen Here. 

In the above linked videos, we see two examples of two people who have chosen for whatever reasons to cope with their gender dysphoria in different ways.  I personally fall somewhere between the two.  I believe that for me, a full time transition (such as Grayson) is not for me.  I don't believe that is my path, and I also have found that when I do nothing to express my gender identity, everything in my life falls apart.  My work suffers, my family suffers, my emotional health suffers, my spiritual health suffers.  I wish this was something that could be prayed away, as I have tried to pray it away, plead for increased strength etc. That is why I dress on occasion to help balance out the Gender Dysphoria.

I was so grateful to find a support group where all points of view are accepted.  Just like there is a myriad of ways to deal with depression, anxiety, etc, there isn't a one size fits all solution to working with and coping with Gender Dysphoria.  This was comforting to me.  I had believed that there was only one way, and that was to transition, making my decision to come out even scarier for me, because I'd have to face that possibility.  So, I ask that when you come across someone who is transgender, remember that first and foremost they are children of a loving Heavenly Father.  Because he loves us so much, he gives each of us agency to act according to the "dictates of our own conscience".  We don't know their story, we haven't walked a mile in their shoes.  Whatever decision they make is theirs to make, and within an LDS context (or religious one in general) is between them and their Heavenly Father.   For those that are married or have children, I certainly would advocate that including them in the decision should also be done.

So, to my Transgender friends, comment below on how you experience Dysphoria.  Are there any on my list that you would like to add?  Feel free and comment below. 

On Maslow, The Walking Dead, Baseball, Piano keyboards, Camping and Fishing.

 I feel as though this post needs a disclaimer:  "The views expressed here are my thoughts and my thoughts alone.  I don't pretend to speak for all Transgender individuals, or LDS Transgender individuals."  As Oscar Wilde said "Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals."  

Anyone who has studied psychology has heard of and is generally aware of Maslow's Hierarchy of  needs.  in case you aren't familiar, here is a graphic which explains it.

So, what does this have to do with being Transgender, or having Gender Dysphoria?  Let me explain.  I am a huge fan of the TV show "The Walking Dead."  During the last season, I found myself asking "If I were in the zombie apocalypse, would my gender dysphoria even exist?  Would I even care that my inner self doesn't match my outer self?  Looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the answer is probably not, or it would be greatly diminished, because I would be too busy looking out for my Physiological and Safety needs.  Anyway, this came to be a very real thing to me over the past month.  

My 9 year old daughter played baseball this year. Her team qualified for the state tournament. She was the only girl in her state pool, I was so proud of her.  The week prior to the state tournament, I was feeling very dysphoric.  I was lying in my bed curled in the fetal position crying.  My wife came in and asked what was wrong, even though I know she already knew.  I think I just told her that my dysphoria was really bad, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could take it. She asked me "Is this worth it."  (Meaning staying married and not socially transitioning.... That is a line that my wife is not comfortable with.  FYI, a social transition would consist of me living full time as a female, however does not mean any type of surgery would be involved.)  I don't think I answered her at the time, however the question hung over me for several days, and the answer that came to me crystal clear is that yes, it is worth it.  I could not imagine a life where my wife is not an every day part of it, and the ups and downs of my dysphoria are probably more manageable WITH her in my life.

Fast Forward one week.  State baseball Tournament.  (Both my son and daughter's teams made state, so it was a crazy week, 6 games in two days!!)  My daughter comes up to bat, her last at bat of the season as her team was already eliminated from the tournament, and they were losing big that day.  A new pitcher comes in and he is throwing hard and fast.  I don't remember the exact count, but she had seen a few pitches.  Then the pitcher wound up threw the ball, and it hit my daughter square on the nose.  Here are some pictures of the event.  The first one was taken right after, the second one, at the ER for the first time, and the last one, was the day we left Primary Children's Hospital.  This post would take days to read if I told you all that occurred during that time, so to sum things up, she was hit by a baseball, went to an ER at 3 different hospitals, 5 different times, one trip to the OR, and three days in Primary Children's Hospital.  During the course of that week, not once did I pay any attention to any triggers that I may have had, or had any dysphoria at all.  My focus was solely on keeping my family up and running, and making sure my daughter got better.  Again, furthering my argument that for me, if my safety or physical needs are an issue, I don't think that my gender identity would matter as much.  So, in a way, this gender dysphoria is a blessing to some degree.  It means that I am safe, my family is safe, and my needs are being met, etc.

Just previous to my daughter's accident, a member of one of the support groups that I belong to made this statement that her dad said to her.  "You being transgender is just one part of what makes you, you.  Just like there are 28 keys (or whatever the number is...  too lazy to look it up!!) that make beautiful music on a piano, if you only focus or "play" one key, that is all anyone will notice. That statement really resonated with me.The more I thought about that, the more I realized that if I only played that one key, how boring, or obnoxious that would  become to others around me!   I was focusing too much on my "transgender key" and not enough on the other parts of me that make me, me.   Of course my gender identity is a very important key on the keyboard of me, it isn't the only one.  After her accident and release from the hospital, I decided that I needed to focus more time on the other 27 keys. The first key I decided to focus on was my role as a father and husband.  These are rolls that I cherish and love.  I was asked if I could help coach my son's tackle football team, and initially I didn't want to, and this is something I generally would have turned down, especially since looking back, I quit football due to the "overly manliness" of practices,  but then I thought about what that would mean to my son, and how our relationship could improve.  I have been doing that now for about a month, and am having a blast doing it!  (Minus the re aggravation of my bulging disk.... but that's another story for another day.)  I started watching TV shows with my children, instead of focusing on what I wanted to watch.  We discovered just how much as a family we love America's Got Talent!  It got us talking more and more to each other.

I also have tried and continue to try to give my wife the time that she needs to help her to adapt to all this whirlwind of change around her.  She tries to get out of the house once a week, although it doesn't happen every week, due to football and work commitments, that hasn't been able to happen very much.  I spoke to my bosses at work and tweaked my schedule, so she can have her day off to make this happen.  This serves a double purpose, it shows how much I understand her need for space and need for a break sometimes, and also gives me time with my children.

We also went camping as a family with two of my brothers and their families.  Now, I am not now nor never have been a fisherman.  In fact, the thought of even touching one now makes me squeamish. (It's funny, because I remember catching my first fish and had no problem with it, but my younger brother needed a napkin to hold up the fish he caught for our Mom to take a picture.) My brothers however love to fish and have passed the love of fishing to my son.  I generally would just allow my brothers to take him, or not join in at all, however in keeping with my intentions to better myself as a father, I decided to get a fishing license, get some power bait and gear and to fishing on the campout.  We didn't catch anything, (Thank goodness.... after my brothers left, I had no idea what to do if we did!!) but the memories will last forever.  I loved being able to watch my son cast out and reel in, my daughters coming over to help reel in, and my older daughter casting out.  I got to be with my family, no TV, no Electronics, in nature.  The sky was beautiful and the scenery was as well.

I also took a little break from my Facebook support group.  I found I was being sucked into the group more and more and that I wasn't giving my family the attention they deserve.  This is entirely my fault, not the fault of the group.  I further have tried distancing myself from social media in general.  While I still check in every so often, it isn't every day, and might be as much as two to three times a week.  (I used to check it every hour or so!!!)  I have also found that I do miss the support of the group (I'm coming back guys, I promise!!!), however being away has allowed me to focus on me and what I need to do to be happy.  I feel as though I am in a really happy place right now.  That could be just me coming to accept who I am as a transgender individual, to getting onto the right anti-depressants, or focusing on other aspects of myself, and probably all of the above has gotten me into a very good place. My dysphoria has been very low as of late, which I am grateful for.  I don't know how long this will last, but I plan on soaking up every second of it!!!

The Battle of the Bulge!!!

One of the things that I have discovered throughout this process are that many people who are transgender have a tendency to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the disconnect they feel between their physical bodies and how they feel inside.  Through the years, I have realized that I have also developed other coping strategies, that I hadn't realized I was using to cope until recently.  Generally, this has been video games, as this allows me to escape my reality for a little while.  I play mostly football games on my PS3, and I would find myself so consumed that I would be planning on how I can build my team to be better while showering, at work, etc.  I continue to play, however it doesn't consume me as much as it did before.  The main point of this particular part of my blog is to discuss what I believe to be my biggest obstacle in regards to overcoming unhealthy coping strategies.  I have turned to food for comfort, causing me to put on much more weight than I'd like to admit.

I've always been "big" for my age and was generally always the tallest (or close to) and was always described as "husky." As an adolescent, I began isolating myself, and stopped being active.  That led to weight gain, that I wasn't noticing.  As I prepared to go on my mission, I weighed myself and I was about 275 lbs prior to my mission.  I remember telling myself that I'd never get over 300 lbs.  I gained some weight on my mission, however not a ton, and was still under 300 lbs.  Well, as time wore on, and I turned more and more to food for comfort, the scale creeped closer and closer to 300 lbs.  I wasn't active (I was also working full time, in school full time, so my eating habits generally were terrible.)  It wasn't long before I was over 300 lbs, and I felt horribly ashamed.  I am blessed however in that my weight is evenly distributed.  I remember having a conversation with a co-worker about weight and he told me how much he weighed and (I was about 340 by this point)  I told him I weighed about 310, and he said "No way, you don't look it!"  So, I'm glad that I don't just put on weight in one place.

After school and moving back to Utah, I never got into any sort of healthy routines.  I would comfort eat constantly.  I'm happy, let's eat!  I'm Sad, Let's Eat!  I have realized that much of my unhealthy eating patterns was a part of my trying to escape the sadness I felt in regards to my disconnect between mind and body, however that was never at the forefront of my mind.  I just knew that eating made me feel better.  I found comfort in food.  My first two professional jobs were at  substance abuse counseling centers.  A common question that is asked, is what is a client's drug of choice.  As clients would go around the room, and say "alcohol, heroin, meth" etc, when it came around to me, I often would say that Mountain Dew was my drug of choice, and even though I said it to be funny, the truth of the matter was that it was my drug of choice.  Throughout the years, I would promise myself that I'd start exercising, I'd go out for a walk, or do other workout videos, and I always overdid it, thinking that I needed to lose all the weight I could in as little time as possible.  The problem with that attitude, is that weight loss isn't meant to be a quick fix thing, and I found myself hurting too much the next day, and couldn't exercise for several days after, making me believe that my attempts were futile.

As time progressed, I was noticing that I no longer fit into my 3x shirts, and was now buying 4x shirts and size 48 pants.  One day I stepped on the scale to see a number I thought I'd never see.  370.  That's right, I had ballooned up to 370.  This was about three years ago, about the time my youngest son was born.  Here are a couple of pictures that were taken during this time in my life.  I knew that something had to be done.

The day we took Luke home, again, probably at my heaviest

Me and my brother Tyler, getting ready to Slip and Slide

Me at about my heaviest, with our old dog Murphy. R.I.P.

I started off slowly, began tracking calories through My Fitness Pal, and got a gym membership and started swimming.  I loved swimming, and through proper diet and exercise, the weight started to come off, and more importantly, my blood pressure was down, and I felt good about myself.  After about six months of swimming 3-4 days a week, I found myself getting bored of this routine.  My brother had begun running and even though I couldn't fathom that running could be enjoyable, I decided to give it a try.  I was introduced to the Couch to 5k running app on my phone.  Basically it takes you from a couch potato to being able to run a 5k, the process takes three months to gradually get the endurance needed.  I set a goal to be able to run my first 5k at our City's Pony Express Day's 5k, and I was able to accomplish that goal.  Tina began joining me as well, and her competitive spirit caught up to her.  I remember the first time I had run a 5k, I came home beaming, and she with jealously and competition in her heart, determined to do the same, and she did the next day.  We entered the 5k, and completed it.  I was so proud of us!!

Not being content to have completed "just" a 5k, my company hosts a welless run each year, and it has a 5k and a 10k option. I decided to push myself and entered into the 10k race, while Tina entered the 5k, and our son AJ also entered the 5k race.  I continued to run 3-4 times a week, and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.  I loved the mental toughness it gave me.  Almost every time I trained, thoughts came into my head such as "start walking here, take a break, you can't go any further" and I had to tell myself "of course you can go further, keep going!"  Using this technique, I was able to work my way up to being able to run a 10k, and did so in August of 2013.  Here we are at the end of that race.  

Following the completion of that race, I continued to push myself, however not as often or as much as I would have liked to.  I learned that if I didn't have a goal in mind, I struggled to continue my running.  Just prior to my 10k, I had watched my younger brother and his wife complete the Utah Valley half marathon, a run that goes through Provo Canyon.  I thought how cool would that be to accomplish such a feat.  In the spring of 2014, I began ramping up my training and I entered the Utah Valley Half marathon.  I couldn't believe it.  ME running a HALF MARATHON?!?!?!?!  I HATED running growing up, and now, not only am I planning on running 13.1 miles, but I was going to PAY for it?  What was I thinking?  Well, I knew that I had to have a goal, or else my good training habits would fall away.  I remember the first time I ran for 11 miles.  I was so proud of myself.  Most half marathon training sites I had seen recommended that you only train to run for 11 miles, and that adrenaline would carry you the last two miles.  I remember the day of the race, needing to wake up at like 4:45 am, so I could get to the buses.  It was cold in the mountains, and many of us were huddled up next to fires that were set up for us.  Once the race began, it was such an amazing experience.  I wasn't racing against anyone, just myself.  I chatted with several people along the way.  Seeing people line the streets to cheer me on was amazing!  Perfect strangers cheering on some guy who would finish at best middle of the pack, yet still cheering!  I had run the whole race, only walking to get water or eat an orange.  Once I hit the 11 mile mark, I started hearing those voices again.  "Just stop now, and walk for a bit, your still going to finish."  And I started to entertain those thoughts, and just then, the song "eye of the tiger" came on, and I thought "I can't walk through this song!!  So I kept on running, all the way to the finish line.  I completed the half marathon just under my goal of 2 hours 30 minutes, finishing at 2 hours 28 minutes.  I was so proud of myself!!!!

Shortly after the completion of this race was when I dropped the "Trans-Bomb" on Tina.  I continued to try to continue to exercise, however I began struggling with depression, as I tried to figure out our new "normal".  I watched Tina struggle with depression, and took all the guilt she was experiencing and placed it on myself.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped eating right.  I began drinking soda on a daily basis.  I started eating doughnuts for breakfast, getting a 52 oz. Mountain Dew, and on really bad days, getting a second one. I began to use food once again to comfort me, and forgetting the healthy habits I had utilized prior.  I was frustrated with myself.  I started noticing that the 2x clothing that we purchased was getting tighter, so I began moving up to 3x.  One day (about one year after dropping the "Trans-Bomb") I decided to step on the scale.  There was that ugly number again.... 370!!  Ughhh, I was so mad at myself, however I wasn't all that surprised.  

Me and AJ at the Priesthood Session of the April 2015 General Conference.

This all brings me to where I am now.  I have mentioned that I don't plan on only using this blog as an opportunity to only discuss my transgender life.  I want to show other struggles and success in my life. As a member of a support group I belong to said "being transgender is just one of the 28 keys to the keyboard that is you, and if you only talk about or play that one key, people may tune you out, or get bored, or annoyed, or ask you to play ANY other key!!  I want this blog to also discuss some of the other keys to the keyboard that is me.  So, another part of this blog will be discussing what I am doing to be healthier.  I know that to focus on weight is not the best way to look at things.  My Doctor chided me as I hung my head in shame over my weight, as my Blood Pressure, and pulse were fine, however he did remind me that increased weight does have problems, so I do need to work on that, however I was also healthy in other areas.  I want to use this space to discuss what I am doing to be a healthier person.

I have begun the Couch to 5k process over again, however am finding it to be more difficult.  It may be because I didn't start with swimming, I don't know, however I am back on My Fitness Pal, and being very cautions with my calories.  I am learning that I feel better when I eat better, and I feel better when I exercise as opposed to laying in bed that extra 45 minutes.

Understanding being transgender within a gospel context.

9 We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

One of my biggest struggles in coming to terms with being Transgender, was how or if this can even work within a gospel context.  First of all, lets get one thing clear, biological sex does not equal gender.  If you are interested in learning more about the differences between gender, sex, sexual orientation and gender expression, please click Here.  (I will be doing a more detailed post about this particular graphic later.).  We know of people who are intersex, or they have both sets or neither sets of genetila.  My supervisor once worked with a hermaphrodite.  The Doctor asked the parents if they wanted a boy or a girl.  The mother wanted a girl, and she was made a girl.  However, as this girl grew up, she never felt like a girl, despite being raised as one, and having all the proper parts.  She decided to transition to a man, whom she felt she was from the get go.  These cases are easy to diagnose because it is an outer expression of an intersex condition.  For many transgender individuals, I believe that this is an intesex condition of the brain.

Over the past year, as transgender has become more of a hot button topic, I have heard comments from church members such as "God doesn't make mistakes, he wouldn't send a woman's spirit into a man's body (or vice versa).  Arguments for this point generally come from this line in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" it states that "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose."  I sustain this proclamation. It also states that " Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." I don't believe that God makes mistakes, and we also must realize that we live in a fallen world, full of genetic abnormalities.  Did God make a mistake with people who are born without a limb, with club feet, downs syndrome, cleft lip/pallet.  Did God make a mistake with Nick Vujicic?  His movie The Butterfly Circus is a wonderful movie in which he learns to love himself despite all the negative things he had heard his whole life, and a man who helped him to see he is more than just a person with a disability. So again, I ask the question, did Heavenly Father make a mistake? I believe the answer is no, God did not make a mistake, but as Jesus said in John Chapter 9:3 when his disciples asked him who had sinned this man or his parents that he was born blind, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. In all these cases genetics messed some things up.  There is growing evidence that Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition, not a psychological one.  In this article (which you can read, if you want to), it basically states that the brain structures of Male to Females (which is how I identify) more closely resembles that of a female brain, than a male brain, and in particular the Hippocampus appears to more closely resemble that of a female brain.  You can read that article Here.

So, all that being said, please consider these two possibilities.  One, as far as I know, (and please correct me if I am wrong), we don't know when the spirit enters the body.  Is it at conception?  At birth, or somewhere in between.  According to this article at WebMd, sex hormones (estrogen and testosterone) begin to influence a fetus at 26 weeks.  So, just for arguments sake, lets say that the spirit enters the body at conception.  A female spirit,meant to go into a female body.  Then due to some unforeseen circumstances due to genetics the fetus doesn't absorb the proper hormones needed to develop the body they were supposed to have.  (Other studies indicate that this can be attributed to certain chemicals such as DDT.)  Or, consider this example.  A male spirit is born into a male body, however also due to genetics going haywire, their brain develops more like a female, making them feel as though they are a female.  Either way, it is genetics and a fallen world contributing to these issues. 

So, what else does the church state about being Transgender?

In short, not much.  Other than the Proclamation on the Family that I mentioned above, and a little blurb in the Church Handbook of Instructions which states that "elective sex reassignment surgery may be cause for church discipline", not much is known or understood about this issue by the Church.  In a recent Trib Talk interview, Elder Oaks acknowledged as such. You can watch the whole interview  Here. The topic is approached at about the 11:00 minute mark in the video, and his comments about "the unique challenges of a transgender individual" comes at about the 14:00 mark.  In summary, he states "We have been acquainted with Lesbians and Homosexuals and their challenges for quite some time, however in regards to a transgender situation, this is something that is newer to us and  I think we have some unfinished business on that, and more teaching to do." This statement by Elder Oaks makes me think of the 9th article of faith, which I started this blog.  I believe that the Lord will YET reveal other truths to his church.  This being said and being transgender, this leaves each person who is transgender and wanting to remain active and faithful in the church with much soul searching, relying upon the Lord and their own personal revelation.  Since becoming more active in Northstar, I have met people who feel it necessary to socially transition (dress, and present as their perceived gender) and have done so with their Bishop's and Stake President's blessing.  They come to church as female (or male), are addressed by their preferred name etc. They hold temple recommends and are able to attend the temple. (however they are asked to dress as and sit on the side of the aisle of their biological gender.)  I also have met people who choose to do nothing.  They pray, read their scriptures and don't act upon these feelings and I have met others who manage these feelings more in the middle, such as dress on occasion, and take some form of hormones to help balance the emotions.  I can tell you that each one of them came to these conclusions only after much prayer, fasting, consulting with priesthood leaders and family members. I recently watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind," and I find it interesting that Dr. John Nash was able to manage his schizophrenia with no medications.  I certainly would not recommend that for everyone, but for him it worked.  The same principle I believe can be applied to Gender Dysphoria.  Each person needs to find what works for them.

What about Talks given by General Authorites that state the church doesn't compromise on gender identity?

Again, there have been some talks given by apostles that state that the Church won't compromise on gender identity.  Two talks that have been cited are linked Here (This is from Elder Dallin H. Oaks) and Here (From Elder Boyd K. Packer). The Lord provides information line upon line, precept on precept.  The Church at one time forbade African Americans from holding the priesthood and conference talks were given defending that position, and some even claiming they would NEVER hold the priesthood.  Elder Packer has given two talks in General Conference stating that homosexuality is a choice. To Young Men Only, and more recently in his October 2010 address.  This was not only Elder Packer's stance, it was also what the church taught.  However, if you look up Mormon's and Gays on the front page, it states "The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters."  Did the church cave to societal pressure to change their position on these issues?  I don't believe so.  Do I believe that these men were wrong in what they were teaching?  No, I do not, I believe that they were speaking in regards to the information they had on the topic at the time. I believe that through much study, prayer and conversations, the Lord was able to direct his servants to change course. I have heard it said that information is key to inspiration.  I believe that conversations such as I am having on this blog and through the Journey's of Faith project we are working on providing information to inform inspiration.  I see Elder Oaks' comments in the Trib Talk interview that there is much that has not been revealed regarding transgenderism, nor has there been any direct counsel from the Church on how a person with Gender Dysphoria can cope with these feelings as noted above.  So, while the church has a stance regarding the importance of gender in this life and in the eternities, I have not yet come across any counsel addressing what is and is not appropriate in regards to managing these emotions, (again, with the exception of "sex reassignment surgery may be cause for Church Discipline). This has led to what has been termed "Bishop Roulette", with one Bishop having no problem with how a person copes, while others will hand out consequences.  For instance, some Bishops see "cross dressing" as an acceptable way to manage these emotions, as there is no specific church counsel that "men must wear male clothes at all times, and women must wear women's clothes at all times"  However some see this as an addictive activity, one which is a "slippery slope" to transition, surgery, leaving the church or their family.  This argument holds little weight as evidenced by this Blog Post.  In it, it states that the best estimates for those who identify as transgender is between 1 in 300 to 1 in 500, and the amount of people who actually have gender confirmation surgery is between 1 in 30,000 and 1 in 50,000.  So, clearly not every transgender individual will end up having surgery and it is a very small minority that do pursue this course. 

Circling around to the beginning of this post.  I am not denying that gender is an eternal concept.  It has been taught in the scriptures, and more recently as part of the Family Proclamation that this is a true concept.  The proclamation teaches about the importance of Gender Roles and their importance in this mortal world and in the eternities.  I personally embrace my roles as father, and priesthood holder.  I feel as though my brain is female, causing these feelings of disconnect between my inner and outer self, however I believe my spirit to be male, making it easier for me to be able to embrace these roles. The Proclamation also allows for individual circumstances to change due to disability or other issues. The other point I hope to have established is that to be Transgender is not a choice. Why would a person choose something that leads to such pain, is cause to such social stigma, and judgement from others?  It just isn't the case. I  I am hoping to show that one can be Transgender and remain in the church and I feel that Northstar and their Journey's of Faith project can begin to bust the stereotype that the two can not co-exist. You can like Northstar's Journey's of Faith page here https://www.facebook.com/LDSJourneysofFaith?fref=ts or visit their page directly http://northstarlds.org/journeys-of-faith/.  

http://ldslights.org/jumping-to-conclusions-about-mr-ms-jenner/

Please take a moment to read this article.  It was written by a friend of mine.  I share it, because I am a part of this story.  As part of Blaines article, he talks about an experience he had to sit in on a panel discussion of Transgender People share their experiences and how they navigate Gender Dysphoria and stay in the Gospel.  I was on one of those panels.  I'm not trying to toot my own horn, however I will be tooting my wife's horn in a second.

The second panel he discusses was with family members of those that are transgender.  Tina sat on that panel and I was responsible for introducing the moderator.  After introducing our moderator for the panel, I looked at all the beautiful people who were up there supporting their family members and I was overcome by the spirit in a a way I have never been touched.  For the first time ever, I felt what it was like to be loved.  Don't get me wrong, I had known I was loved, I knew my wife loved me, I knew my Heavenly Father loved me, but I had never FELT that love until that moment.  I cried throughout the session.  My wife asked me after what was wrong and I told her that I had never felt Love like that before.  She looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes, welling up with tears and said "You have ALWAYS been loved".  I looked back at her and said, "I know, but now I FEEL it."

An Introduction

As evidenced by the title of my Blog, I am a Transgender Mormon, yet I am so much more than that, and I would like to write more about my whole experience.  However for my initial post, I'd like to get some housecleaning out of the way.  Some of my followers know me by Brandon, which is the name my parents have given me.  It's a good name, a strong name, and a foundation for one of my favorite nicknames... Branmuffin!  The only issue, is that inside, I don't feel male, I feel like a female. Over the course of the last year, I have been examining closer who I am inside.  To those people who know me as part of my self discovery journey, they will know me by Lexi, which is how I am known in the Transgender LDS community. So, let's set up some house rules.  I bring this up, because some commentators may refer to me as Brandon, some as Lexi, it'll just depend on which side of the gap you are coming from.  I may be referred to he, him, or she and her, and I'm OK with all of that, I don't care what you may call me.... Just don't call me late for dinner (and if you've seen me, you know THAT doesn't happen... OK, a little self deprecating humor on my part..forgive me!)  I have been keeping two Facebook pages for the past year, and while I will continue with that, I hope to be able to bridge that gap with this blog.  I understand that some of you who have known me my whole life may not be comfortable with seeing me as Lexi.  I understand that, I really do.  That is why I created this blog so that if you are uncomfortable, you can come here and feel safe and follow me on my journey.

 I came out to my wife Tina about a year ago about my being Transgender, and my story of what has brought me to this point will be chronicled in an essay I am writing for Northstar and their Journey's of Faith project.  The point of this blog is to continue the story.  I will be filling this blog with information regarding what it is like being a transgender Mormon, the struggles, the triumphs and everything in between.  However, being transgender is just one aspect of who I am.  I am a Husband, Father, Therapist, sports enthusiast, music lover etc.  I plan on blogging on all these aspects, as I don't wish to be defined by one aspect of who I am.

So Why Come Out Now?

My initial plans for coming out were to wait until a few weeks prior to my Northstar essay was to appear, however several things have happened that have made me feel the need to share my story now, as opposed to waiting.  First of all, I attended a work conference and I attended a break out session regarding LGBT youth and suicide and understanding this within the gospel context.  I had heard this stat before, but for some reason, during that session it struck me harder than ever before.  41% of transgender individuals have attempted or completed suicide at some point in their lives.  That is 4 times the national average and double that of the LGB population.  Here is an article that points out this statistic and some of the reasons the suicide rate is so high.  http://www.vocativ.com/culture/lgbt/transgender-suicide/  This is just not OK by me.  I determined that I would share my story to give hope to others that there are other options. There are many reasons for the high suicide rate.  Bullying, discrimination, shunning by family members are some of them. It is imperative that family members take time to listen to their transgender family members. http://articles.latimes.com/2014/jan/28/local/la-me-ln-suicide-attempts-alarming-transgender-20140127.  

The other thing that happened that has made me up my timetable a bit is what I saw transpire during the Caitlyn Jenner Vanity Fair magazine story.  I saw Facebook fill up with words such as pervert, creep, loser, not a hero, etc.  These words were all words I used to describe myself for my whole life leading to a life full of self hatred and self loathing. I have worked hard in therapy to no longer look at myself in that way.  Seeing these comments brought back all those feelings I had about myself, however thankfully, I have the resiliency to overcome them.  I don't know that all transgender individuals have this resiliency and I worry that these types of comments and conversations will only further lead to the suicide rate being so high.  I am making a call for compassion. I also want to show that there are other ways to manage what is known as gender dysphoria.  At this time, I do not plan on following Caitlyn Jenner's path, which is known as social transitioning. That is her path, and I have my own.  I have no problem with her decision to transition, nor do I have any problem with people who decide to transition, even within the church, so long as they have prayed about it and followed their personal revelation.  I can promise you that the decision to socially transition is not some passing fancy or a whim.  It calls for serious reflection, lots of therapy etc.  As for my personal opinion on the Caitlyn Jenner story.  I was thrilled when I watched the 20/20 interview with Diane Sawyer.  I was worried that there would be some sensationalizing or giving into stereotypes of transgender individuals.  I found it to be educational and very tastefully done.  The Vanity Fair article was my worst nightmare.  It sexualized transgenderism, and sexualized Caitlyn.  I have seen many comments that there is more to being a woman than just pretty hair, pretty clothes etc, and that is exactly right.  It takes love, compassion, empathy, service to others, etc.  That to me is the essence of womanhood, and that is where the Vanity Fair issue missed the boat and used sex as a tool to sell magazines, instead of telling the story of someone who is embracing who they are and how she got to this point in her life.  May we all take a minute a ponder what we put up on Facebook and realize that people from all walks of life have various trials that we know nothing about.  Let's refrain from name calling and try to have more understanding.  This is my hope.   

I have included other links to other blogs from some of my friends who also are transgender and how they are navigating their Gender Dysphoria within the Gospel.  I also have included a link to a wonderful organization called Northstar, and in particular their Journey's of faith project.  Please take a moment to read from these blogs and see the wide variety of experiences that are a part of this human existence.  It is only through education that we can eradicate fear of the unknown.