Cha, Cha Cha Changes.....

So, today is Transgender Day Of Visibility.  Obviously, if your reading this, you know that I identify as Transgender.  As a friend of mine said "visibility is important, because it helps to break down barriers."  I really liked how he said that. (Thanks Mat!)  I know that part of the reason I lived in denial for so long was due to my own preconceived notions of what it meant to be transgender.  Well, as I've come to learn, don't believe the stereotypes.  I had a friend post a picture saying of him wearing a t-shirt that said "This is what trans looks like."  One of the comments made was "So trans people look like......humans?"  What a great comment!  So, how does this all tie in with the title of my blog, Changes?

Well, since coming out, I've been keeping two separate Facebook accounts.  This was for several reasons.  One, I wasn't sure that I wanted to share so much of my transgender life on Facebook.  Two, my wife needed a buffer from her "old reality" to her "new reality." And finally, I was worried that if I was too open and forward, than I'd lose some family members or friends.  And honestly, I don't blame anyone if I make them uncomfortable.  While I hope for inclusion and understanding, I also get that being around someone who is trans can be uncomfortable.  When I was in college, (and obviously in a great deal of denial) I had a transgender woman in my classes, and she made me uncomfortable.  I wish I remember her last name, so I could go back in contact with her and pick her brain some more, but being honest, I was uncomfortable being around her, and it was due to me not having any previous exposure to trans people. Point being I get why people might be uncomfortable with this.  It's also why I try not to be too pushy.

I've come to a point now, where having two Facebook accounts, is just to time consuming, and I really need to simplify.  I've thought about this for literally months, how to be more authentic, while balancing other people's feelings.  The other day, Mitch Mayne, a Gay, active Mormon living in San Francisco made the following statement

"As LGBT Mormons our lives are unusually full of people who want to share their opinions about how we should live. Most days it seems we can't be [trans] enough for the [transgender] community or Mormon enough for the LDS community."

I so can relate to this statement.  I fell like this on a daily basis.  So, this leads up to a change I'm going to be making.  I'm going to be merging my two Facebook accounts.  The change will really be minor, but I realize that it will make the situation more real for many of you.  In the LDS trans community (and my other Facebook account" I am know by my preferred female name of Lexi.  So, I will be adding (Lexi) to the end of my name on Facebook.  That's it really.  Nothing else will change, except I will be adding more friends from the LDS trans community.  I hope that this will make my life easier.  If it makes any of my friends or family uncomfortable, and they feel a need to unfriend me, I understand that, and I won't hold any hard feelings against them.  I hope that doesn't happen.  

I am really looking forward to being more authentic to myself.  I'm so grateful to my wife and family for all the support I have been given.

Until next time.....

Why Do I keep Doing This?

There are times where I ask myself if it's worth writing this blog.  Some posts are very emotional for me and I wonder if it's worth it.  I know that this is petty of me, but when I see very few likes on Facebook, I get down.  I know that I shouldn't because, well, I do this for me primarily and hope to help others in the process.

I was really wondering about why I keep this blog going a few weeks ago, when someone I served my mission with commented on Facebook "This makes me sick."  Since he has left the church, I didn't know if the fact that I was staying in the Church was making him sick, but I had a feeling that it was me being trans. My initial reaction was to attack, but the spirit whispered to hold off.  I took most of the day and sent him a private message later in the day.  We had a decent conversation, It's clear that he is uncomfortable with trans people, however his most pertinent experiences with trans people was in what he called a "tranny bar," which I asked him to not clump me or my group into that same category, as we are striving to stay true to Christ.  I realize that a person's first introduction to a transgender person goes a long way to how trans people will be viewed later.  I had another distant family member whose only experience with trans people was in Portland, and watching trans people bar hop.  I asked if it would have made a difference if his first exposure would have been in a FHE setting, with other trans folks reading the Book of Mormon, and bearing testimony of the savior would change his views, and he didn't have an answer.  (Which I get, It's hard to know.)

Then, last week, I got a message from someone whose child just came out as gay.  Now, even though being gay and transgender are two different issues, the impact for this person was very deep.  They had been following my blog and wanted to know how best to support their son.  Because of my associations with Northstar, I do have some resources for them, I do have parents they can talk to, but most of all, I have empathy.  I have some semblance of what they are going through.  Fortunately, their primary concern was to make sure that their child was loved, no matter what path they take.  I was grateful to hear that.  There are too many horror stories about children being abandoned by their parents, simply because they have an LGBT child.  Love is always the answer.

So, with that one contact, I know I made at least a small difference in someone else's life.  I often remember this poem, especially with being a social worker,  There is so much need out there, how can I possibly make a difference.  Well, here is my answer.

So, I will keep on.  I want to and need to share my story and my experiences.  I want people to have a different view of trans people than what they have been force fed by the national media, or other places that put trans people in a negative light.  I want my Mormon friends to realize that it is possible to be trans and remain an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I want others to know of my testimony of my saviour Jesus Christ and that I know during my darkest times, he knows what I am going through.  No matter how much I want to tell myself I'm alone, I know that I am not.  

Feeling a renewed sense of hope and purpose

This past weekend was the Northstar conference, and the conference theme was Upon The Rock of Christ.  What an inspiring, uplifting, hope filled weekend.  As the conference was ending, not only was I crying due to the beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace which was being sung, but I realized that the conference was over and it would be back to life as usual when we left the conference.  I was sad that the friends I got to see who traveled from out of state, I wouldn't be seeing again for a while.  I was sad that the new friends I had made I wouldn't be seeing for awhile again as well.  I love this conference and I am proud to be part of the Northstar family, because that is what it feels like. Whether people are LGBT, allies, family and friends etc, there is just a sense of community and family.  People taking time to talk to me, get to know me.  Testimonies were shared, admiration was expressed.  The people in the conference each have their challenges, however we share in our love of our Savior and in his gospel.  I'd like to take a moment and share some experiences, thoughts etc. from the last three days.

Thursday night was the service project.  What an awesome night to witness my wife in her element, as she was in charge of organizing the event.  I watched with such pride as I saw so many people fill the room for not only dinner, but to be able to serve others.  I was humbled as I was able to talk to other people and learn of their challenges and how they are striving to remain close to Christ.  I witnessed two members of my Ward, who decided to dedicate much of their time on Thursday night teaching us how to make "courage capes" which will be delivered to local pediatric wards at area hospitals to give to kids who are undergoing some kind of surgery.  I got to speak to others while we put together kid kits which were delivered to the local food pantry to be given to children who have little to no food to allow them to be fed for the weekend.  I watched with pride as my 10 year old daughter worked so hard to help cutting out the fabric for these capes, and my other children interacting with others at the conference, and truly being on their best behavior.  My heart was full of joy as I thought about the good we were doing, and at how well the event turned out because I knew that my wife had done something amazing which she most certainly would be proud of!!!

The next morning was the first day of conference.  Seeing friends that I hadn't seen in a year was such a happy reunion!!!!  It's amazing the bond you feel when you are with others who understand what you are going through.  Some of these people I only met at last years conference and have only kept in touch through Facebook, but I feel such a connection with them, almost like they are family.  I felt enveloped in their love.  The opening keynote speaker was incredible.  His testimony of Christ was amazing, and his love for his brother's and sister's was felt.  Two moments from the opening session really set the tone for me.  First, this quote "God has more grace, than we have sins."  What a beautiful, simple and true thought.  God's grace is infinite, and fortunately our sins are finite.  If we turn to him, his Grace is sufficient.  Secondly, the closing hymn was "I believe in Christ."  A hymn that I have sung hundreds of times, and this time, the fourth verse really struck a chord with me.

I believe in Christ, so come what may

With him I'll stand, at that great day

When on this earth he comes again 

to rule among the sons of men. 

The opening line of that verse really hit me.  While I have been experiencing my own struggles, because I believe in Christ and I maintain a testimony of him, I can overcome any trials and stand with him at his second coming.  I have begun to realize just how much I was concerned about the judgements of men, as opposed to the judgements of Christ.  I know he loves me, he has confirmed to me that I am walking the path he has prepared for me.

The rest of the conference that day had breakout sessions etc, each focused on helping those in the LGBT community learn how to stay close and connected to the gospel, how to support loved ones who are LGBT and stay in the church or have chosen to leave.  The overwhelming message for both was simple.  Love.  In this church, we value agency.  Sometimes people choose to leave the Church.  Agency allows that, and we don't get to judge them, because we don't know what's in their heart or mind at the time they made that decision.  Christ is their judge, so we leave judgement to Him. Se we love them, we stay in contact with them. We keep them in our prayers, keep them connected with the family etc.  Did I mention that we LOVE them?

Saturday morning was an even more spiritual day for me.  The opening speaker was Sister Virginia Hinckley Pearce, daughter of President Gordon B. Hinckley.  I felt not only the spirit of our Heavenly Father, but the spirit of her father there as well.  Oh, how I miss President Hinckley.  His seemingly infinite amount of optimism, his messages of being happy, having faith that all will work out as we stay faithful, all came flooding back as I heard his daughter speak.  The first breakout session that I attended dealt with communicating with Church Leaders about LGBT issues and the church.  There were over 150 people in the room and about 80 leaders in there.  I don't know if any of those church leaders will see this, but a HUGE THANK YOU for taking the time out of your busy Saturday's to attend a conference so you can better understand how to minister to the LGBT community in your congregations.  

Ed Hayward, whose daughter is Transgender and who starred along with her daughter in the documentary Transmormon (you can look it up on youtube) began speaking, the flood gates began opening up.  I ugly cried throughout the presentation.  He put into words what I have wanted to say, but didn't have the words for in regards to why my interactions with my church leaders have been so painful.  He said "When a transgender person is sitting across from you, telling you that they are transgender, what they are really asking you is....can you still love me?"  I have not cried as hard as I did in that moment, as I realized that part of the sting of the interactions with my church leaders, is that I did not feel as though they loved me.  They wanted to fix me, telling me (although unintentionally) that I was some kind of mistake.  Again, this is just another reason I'm grateful for Northstar, because of them, I had the courage to come out to family, friends etc, and know that the answer to the question of "can you love me" which I was asking in coming out to them, is a resounding YES!!  I am so grateful for my wonderful family and friends who continue to show their love for me and love me for me, and don't view me any different than they did before I told them.

I had the privilege of being able to present during this conference on the topic of "Finding Peace in our Transgender Relationships." Just prior to my session, a couple who I had seen in the previous session stopped me in the hallway and commented on how good that session was.  I agreed and told him that I was transgender and that Ed's comments especially hit me.  He validated how difficult this journey I am on must be, which caused tears to begin welling up in my eyes.  He asked if he could hug me, which I completely agreed to.   Again, the conference just exuded love.  I felt this couple's love, and I did not know them, I don't even know their names! Then It was time for my presentation. I absolutely LOVED presenting!!!!  I had so much fun.  The feedback I got after the presentation was very positive (I guess I'll find out how true that was when the anonymous survey's are filled out!!!!)  But it was very fun.  I was very surprised at how well I kept my composure as throughout the conference, I felt this overwhelming sense of love towards my wife.  She is just simply AMAZING.  She didn't have to stay with me.  She could have said that 14 years of lying to her was more than she could bear.  She could have freaked out and barred me from seeking out support or interacting at all with others in the LDS, transgender community.  But, she stayed.  She stayed because she loves me, who I am on the inside and whatever that looks like on the outside.  She LOVES me, and I LOVE her.  I got to brag about her during my presentation, and I thought I would start crying during those times, but I didn't.  The Lord strengthened me and allowed me to complete my presentation.

Tina and I skipped the next break out session to participate in Northstar's new video campaign #truetohim.  I got to share a small portion of my story and discuss how I am true to him.  How I am true to the savior.  I'm not sure when that video will be put out, but believe me, I'll be posting it all over Facebook.  Another exciting development, is that Tina and I have decided to participate in Northstar's Voices of Hope video interviews.  We will be interviewed and share our story about being transgender in the LDS church.  The video will then be put up on Northstar's website, and yes, I will let everyone know when that video hits.

After the conference, I was filled with gratitude for the spirit that I felt, and also with a sense of sadness.  I LOVE these people.  I love the sense of community, friendship and family that is created when we get together.  A few of us were able to go out to eat afterwards and just talk.   Talk about our struggles, triumphs, and just life in general.  It was difficult to watch people walk out of the restaurant and back to their homes, wherever that may be.  I know that i'll see them again, and thanks to Facebook, we will keep in touch.

In closing, I know that my Savior lives.  I have felt his influence in my life more so over the last 10 days, than perhaps ever in my life.  I hope to be able to continue to reach out to others in the LDS transgender community and allow them to feel welcome and loved, as others have welcomed and loved me.  Thank you Northstar for putting on such a wonderful conference.  I can't wait till next year!!!!