On Maslow, The Walking Dead, Baseball, Piano keyboards, Camping and Fishing.

 I feel as though this post needs a disclaimer:  "The views expressed here are my thoughts and my thoughts alone.  I don't pretend to speak for all Transgender individuals, or LDS Transgender individuals."  As Oscar Wilde said "Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals."  

Anyone who has studied psychology has heard of and is generally aware of Maslow's Hierarchy of  needs.  in case you aren't familiar, here is a graphic which explains it.

So, what does this have to do with being Transgender, or having Gender Dysphoria?  Let me explain.  I am a huge fan of the TV show "The Walking Dead."  During the last season, I found myself asking "If I were in the zombie apocalypse, would my gender dysphoria even exist?  Would I even care that my inner self doesn't match my outer self?  Looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the answer is probably not, or it would be greatly diminished, because I would be too busy looking out for my Physiological and Safety needs.  Anyway, this came to be a very real thing to me over the past month.  

My 9 year old daughter played baseball this year. Her team qualified for the state tournament. She was the only girl in her state pool, I was so proud of her.  The week prior to the state tournament, I was feeling very dysphoric.  I was lying in my bed curled in the fetal position crying.  My wife came in and asked what was wrong, even though I know she already knew.  I think I just told her that my dysphoria was really bad, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could take it. She asked me "Is this worth it."  (Meaning staying married and not socially transitioning.... That is a line that my wife is not comfortable with.  FYI, a social transition would consist of me living full time as a female, however does not mean any type of surgery would be involved.)  I don't think I answered her at the time, however the question hung over me for several days, and the answer that came to me crystal clear is that yes, it is worth it.  I could not imagine a life where my wife is not an every day part of it, and the ups and downs of my dysphoria are probably more manageable WITH her in my life.

Fast Forward one week.  State baseball Tournament.  (Both my son and daughter's teams made state, so it was a crazy week, 6 games in two days!!)  My daughter comes up to bat, her last at bat of the season as her team was already eliminated from the tournament, and they were losing big that day.  A new pitcher comes in and he is throwing hard and fast.  I don't remember the exact count, but she had seen a few pitches.  Then the pitcher wound up threw the ball, and it hit my daughter square on the nose.  Here are some pictures of the event.  The first one was taken right after, the second one, at the ER for the first time, and the last one, was the day we left Primary Children's Hospital.  This post would take days to read if I told you all that occurred during that time, so to sum things up, she was hit by a baseball, went to an ER at 3 different hospitals, 5 different times, one trip to the OR, and three days in Primary Children's Hospital.  During the course of that week, not once did I pay any attention to any triggers that I may have had, or had any dysphoria at all.  My focus was solely on keeping my family up and running, and making sure my daughter got better.  Again, furthering my argument that for me, if my safety or physical needs are an issue, I don't think that my gender identity would matter as much.  So, in a way, this gender dysphoria is a blessing to some degree.  It means that I am safe, my family is safe, and my needs are being met, etc.

Just previous to my daughter's accident, a member of one of the support groups that I belong to made this statement that her dad said to her.  "You being transgender is just one part of what makes you, you.  Just like there are 28 keys (or whatever the number is...  too lazy to look it up!!) that make beautiful music on a piano, if you only focus or "play" one key, that is all anyone will notice. That statement really resonated with me.The more I thought about that, the more I realized that if I only played that one key, how boring, or obnoxious that would  become to others around me!   I was focusing too much on my "transgender key" and not enough on the other parts of me that make me, me.   Of course my gender identity is a very important key on the keyboard of me, it isn't the only one.  After her accident and release from the hospital, I decided that I needed to focus more time on the other 27 keys. The first key I decided to focus on was my role as a father and husband.  These are rolls that I cherish and love.  I was asked if I could help coach my son's tackle football team, and initially I didn't want to, and this is something I generally would have turned down, especially since looking back, I quit football due to the "overly manliness" of practices,  but then I thought about what that would mean to my son, and how our relationship could improve.  I have been doing that now for about a month, and am having a blast doing it!  (Minus the re aggravation of my bulging disk.... but that's another story for another day.)  I started watching TV shows with my children, instead of focusing on what I wanted to watch.  We discovered just how much as a family we love America's Got Talent!  It got us talking more and more to each other.

I also have tried and continue to try to give my wife the time that she needs to help her to adapt to all this whirlwind of change around her.  She tries to get out of the house once a week, although it doesn't happen every week, due to football and work commitments, that hasn't been able to happen very much.  I spoke to my bosses at work and tweaked my schedule, so she can have her day off to make this happen.  This serves a double purpose, it shows how much I understand her need for space and need for a break sometimes, and also gives me time with my children.

We also went camping as a family with two of my brothers and their families.  Now, I am not now nor never have been a fisherman.  In fact, the thought of even touching one now makes me squeamish. (It's funny, because I remember catching my first fish and had no problem with it, but my younger brother needed a napkin to hold up the fish he caught for our Mom to take a picture.) My brothers however love to fish and have passed the love of fishing to my son.  I generally would just allow my brothers to take him, or not join in at all, however in keeping with my intentions to better myself as a father, I decided to get a fishing license, get some power bait and gear and to fishing on the campout.  We didn't catch anything, (Thank goodness.... after my brothers left, I had no idea what to do if we did!!) but the memories will last forever.  I loved being able to watch my son cast out and reel in, my daughters coming over to help reel in, and my older daughter casting out.  I got to be with my family, no TV, no Electronics, in nature.  The sky was beautiful and the scenery was as well.

I also took a little break from my Facebook support group.  I found I was being sucked into the group more and more and that I wasn't giving my family the attention they deserve.  This is entirely my fault, not the fault of the group.  I further have tried distancing myself from social media in general.  While I still check in every so often, it isn't every day, and might be as much as two to three times a week.  (I used to check it every hour or so!!!)  I have also found that I do miss the support of the group (I'm coming back guys, I promise!!!), however being away has allowed me to focus on me and what I need to do to be happy.  I feel as though I am in a really happy place right now.  That could be just me coming to accept who I am as a transgender individual, to getting onto the right anti-depressants, or focusing on other aspects of myself, and probably all of the above has gotten me into a very good place. My dysphoria has been very low as of late, which I am grateful for.  I don't know how long this will last, but I plan on soaking up every second of it!!!