The Battle of the Bulge!!!

One of the things that I have discovered throughout this process are that many people who are transgender have a tendency to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the disconnect they feel between their physical bodies and how they feel inside.  Through the years, I have realized that I have also developed other coping strategies, that I hadn't realized I was using to cope until recently.  Generally, this has been video games, as this allows me to escape my reality for a little while.  I play mostly football games on my PS3, and I would find myself so consumed that I would be planning on how I can build my team to be better while showering, at work, etc.  I continue to play, however it doesn't consume me as much as it did before.  The main point of this particular part of my blog is to discuss what I believe to be my biggest obstacle in regards to overcoming unhealthy coping strategies.  I have turned to food for comfort, causing me to put on much more weight than I'd like to admit.

I've always been "big" for my age and was generally always the tallest (or close to) and was always described as "husky." As an adolescent, I began isolating myself, and stopped being active.  That led to weight gain, that I wasn't noticing.  As I prepared to go on my mission, I weighed myself and I was about 275 lbs prior to my mission.  I remember telling myself that I'd never get over 300 lbs.  I gained some weight on my mission, however not a ton, and was still under 300 lbs.  Well, as time wore on, and I turned more and more to food for comfort, the scale creeped closer and closer to 300 lbs.  I wasn't active (I was also working full time, in school full time, so my eating habits generally were terrible.)  It wasn't long before I was over 300 lbs, and I felt horribly ashamed.  I am blessed however in that my weight is evenly distributed.  I remember having a conversation with a co-worker about weight and he told me how much he weighed and (I was about 340 by this point)  I told him I weighed about 310, and he said "No way, you don't look it!"  So, I'm glad that I don't just put on weight in one place.

After school and moving back to Utah, I never got into any sort of healthy routines.  I would comfort eat constantly.  I'm happy, let's eat!  I'm Sad, Let's Eat!  I have realized that much of my unhealthy eating patterns was a part of my trying to escape the sadness I felt in regards to my disconnect between mind and body, however that was never at the forefront of my mind.  I just knew that eating made me feel better.  I found comfort in food.  My first two professional jobs were at  substance abuse counseling centers.  A common question that is asked, is what is a client's drug of choice.  As clients would go around the room, and say "alcohol, heroin, meth" etc, when it came around to me, I often would say that Mountain Dew was my drug of choice, and even though I said it to be funny, the truth of the matter was that it was my drug of choice.  Throughout the years, I would promise myself that I'd start exercising, I'd go out for a walk, or do other workout videos, and I always overdid it, thinking that I needed to lose all the weight I could in as little time as possible.  The problem with that attitude, is that weight loss isn't meant to be a quick fix thing, and I found myself hurting too much the next day, and couldn't exercise for several days after, making me believe that my attempts were futile.

As time progressed, I was noticing that I no longer fit into my 3x shirts, and was now buying 4x shirts and size 48 pants.  One day I stepped on the scale to see a number I thought I'd never see.  370.  That's right, I had ballooned up to 370.  This was about three years ago, about the time my youngest son was born.  Here are a couple of pictures that were taken during this time in my life.  I knew that something had to be done.

The day we took Luke home, again, probably at my heaviest

Me and my brother Tyler, getting ready to Slip and Slide

Me at about my heaviest, with our old dog Murphy. R.I.P.

I started off slowly, began tracking calories through My Fitness Pal, and got a gym membership and started swimming.  I loved swimming, and through proper diet and exercise, the weight started to come off, and more importantly, my blood pressure was down, and I felt good about myself.  After about six months of swimming 3-4 days a week, I found myself getting bored of this routine.  My brother had begun running and even though I couldn't fathom that running could be enjoyable, I decided to give it a try.  I was introduced to the Couch to 5k running app on my phone.  Basically it takes you from a couch potato to being able to run a 5k, the process takes three months to gradually get the endurance needed.  I set a goal to be able to run my first 5k at our City's Pony Express Day's 5k, and I was able to accomplish that goal.  Tina began joining me as well, and her competitive spirit caught up to her.  I remember the first time I had run a 5k, I came home beaming, and she with jealously and competition in her heart, determined to do the same, and she did the next day.  We entered the 5k, and completed it.  I was so proud of us!!

Not being content to have completed "just" a 5k, my company hosts a welless run each year, and it has a 5k and a 10k option. I decided to push myself and entered into the 10k race, while Tina entered the 5k, and our son AJ also entered the 5k race.  I continued to run 3-4 times a week, and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.  I loved the mental toughness it gave me.  Almost every time I trained, thoughts came into my head such as "start walking here, take a break, you can't go any further" and I had to tell myself "of course you can go further, keep going!"  Using this technique, I was able to work my way up to being able to run a 10k, and did so in August of 2013.  Here we are at the end of that race.  

Following the completion of that race, I continued to push myself, however not as often or as much as I would have liked to.  I learned that if I didn't have a goal in mind, I struggled to continue my running.  Just prior to my 10k, I had watched my younger brother and his wife complete the Utah Valley half marathon, a run that goes through Provo Canyon.  I thought how cool would that be to accomplish such a feat.  In the spring of 2014, I began ramping up my training and I entered the Utah Valley Half marathon.  I couldn't believe it.  ME running a HALF MARATHON?!?!?!?!  I HATED running growing up, and now, not only am I planning on running 13.1 miles, but I was going to PAY for it?  What was I thinking?  Well, I knew that I had to have a goal, or else my good training habits would fall away.  I remember the first time I ran for 11 miles.  I was so proud of myself.  Most half marathon training sites I had seen recommended that you only train to run for 11 miles, and that adrenaline would carry you the last two miles.  I remember the day of the race, needing to wake up at like 4:45 am, so I could get to the buses.  It was cold in the mountains, and many of us were huddled up next to fires that were set up for us.  Once the race began, it was such an amazing experience.  I wasn't racing against anyone, just myself.  I chatted with several people along the way.  Seeing people line the streets to cheer me on was amazing!  Perfect strangers cheering on some guy who would finish at best middle of the pack, yet still cheering!  I had run the whole race, only walking to get water or eat an orange.  Once I hit the 11 mile mark, I started hearing those voices again.  "Just stop now, and walk for a bit, your still going to finish."  And I started to entertain those thoughts, and just then, the song "eye of the tiger" came on, and I thought "I can't walk through this song!!  So I kept on running, all the way to the finish line.  I completed the half marathon just under my goal of 2 hours 30 minutes, finishing at 2 hours 28 minutes.  I was so proud of myself!!!!

Shortly after the completion of this race was when I dropped the "Trans-Bomb" on Tina.  I continued to try to continue to exercise, however I began struggling with depression, as I tried to figure out our new "normal".  I watched Tina struggle with depression, and took all the guilt she was experiencing and placed it on myself.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped eating right.  I began drinking soda on a daily basis.  I started eating doughnuts for breakfast, getting a 52 oz. Mountain Dew, and on really bad days, getting a second one. I began to use food once again to comfort me, and forgetting the healthy habits I had utilized prior.  I was frustrated with myself.  I started noticing that the 2x clothing that we purchased was getting tighter, so I began moving up to 3x.  One day (about one year after dropping the "Trans-Bomb") I decided to step on the scale.  There was that ugly number again.... 370!!  Ughhh, I was so mad at myself, however I wasn't all that surprised.  

Me and AJ at the Priesthood Session of the April 2015 General Conference.

This all brings me to where I am now.  I have mentioned that I don't plan on only using this blog as an opportunity to only discuss my transgender life.  I want to show other struggles and success in my life. As a member of a support group I belong to said "being transgender is just one of the 28 keys to the keyboard that is you, and if you only talk about or play that one key, people may tune you out, or get bored, or annoyed, or ask you to play ANY other key!!  I want this blog to also discuss some of the other keys to the keyboard that is me.  So, another part of this blog will be discussing what I am doing to be healthier.  I know that to focus on weight is not the best way to look at things.  My Doctor chided me as I hung my head in shame over my weight, as my Blood Pressure, and pulse were fine, however he did remind me that increased weight does have problems, so I do need to work on that, however I was also healthy in other areas.  I want to use this space to discuss what I am doing to be a healthier person.

I have begun the Couch to 5k process over again, however am finding it to be more difficult.  It may be because I didn't start with swimming, I don't know, however I am back on My Fitness Pal, and being very cautions with my calories.  I am learning that I feel better when I eat better, and I feel better when I exercise as opposed to laying in bed that extra 45 minutes.