My Testimony

I wish that I could take credit for this particular post, however I got this idea from someone in one of the online support groups I am a part of.  She felt that there was an overall sense of negativity creeping into the group and wanted to share her testimony as a way to curtail and bring the Spirit back into the group.  It made me reflect on my own testimony of the Gospel and to review what I know to be true.


Since coming out as Transgender, certain experiences negatively influenced my testimony.  I honestly didn't know what I believed to be true anymore.  I felt more and more distant from my Heavenly Father, I didn't and couldn't feel his love for me.  I became angry and bitter towards those that had hurt me.  I was angry and bitter towards members of my extended family and other friends, people who are LDS, and followers of Christ, continue to post hurtful, hateful things about the Transgender community.  I thought, how can they purport to be a follower of Christ and say these things about their brothers and sisters.  As you can tell by that last comment, I also became more and more judgmental. 


After some time, I began to realize that it wasn't Heavenly Father who moved away from me, but I had moved away from him.  I began praying.  At first it was just a formality.  I was praying because that is what is expected of me.  After a few months, He began to answer, with whispers of "I Love You", "Be patient, this is only temporary" and other comforting thoughts.  This strengthened my testimony of Him and His love for me.


Despite this, I still had some doubts about the Church as a whole, the structure of the Church.  I could feel my testimony of the Gospel coming back, but struggling with even going to Church.  I still attended (mainly because I was in the Primary, and I really enjoyed that calling), but it was a struggle.  One day, this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was either read, or I heard it.  It said "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited." That really struck me.  I knew I had a testimony of my Heavenly Father and also of Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer.  And to be honest at that time, that was the ONLY ground I had won.  Everything else seemed to be in doubt.  As time has gone by, I have gained some more ground, this ground was won through prayer, pondering and studying, and this is what I would like to share:


I know that I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father who loves me, more than I can imagine.  Because of his love, he sent his Only begotten Son, Jesus Christ to atone for the sins of the world, and I also know that his love is so much, that even if I were the only one on earth, he would have atoned just for my sins.  I have grown closer to them as I have gone through this trial than I ever thought possible.  I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon.  I'm reading it once again on a daily basis, and the truths of that book are truly touching to me.  It's testimony of the Savior is simply beautiful. I have come to gain a greater appreciation for the Priesthood as I have seen it work so powerfully in my life.  As you can see, I'm gaining more ground, and still have more ground to gain.  Yet saying that, I am in such a better place with my testimony than I have in a long time.


Reflecting on the almost two years since I first told my wife, I can see how trials bring blessing.  I feel a love for her greater than I ever have.  We are able to communicate on a much deeper level, which leads to greater connection.  As stated above, I feel my Saviors love more intensely than I have ever in my life.  I have found great companionship in support groups with like minded individuals who have similar struggles as me, or have family members with Gender Dysphoria.  I feel so loved when I am able to get together with them for our monthly Family Home Evenings or other get togethers, It's a feeling of connectedness that I'm not sure I have ever felt.  (And yes, I need to attend more of them.... Looking forward to next weeks!!) 


Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I do feel grateful for all that I have, despite going through difficult times.