It's getting vulnerable in here.....

To this point in this blog, I have generally focused on some of the positive things that I have been doing to navigate through the quagmire that is Gender Dysphoria.  In looking at my posts, while these were absolutely my feelings, I've shied away from the difficult feelings that I experience.  I guess I wanted to protect any readers of this blog from feeling sorry from me.  Maybe I didn't want to put myself out there, or talk about other real struggles I am having.  These issues are often gut wrenching and I don't particularly like to talk about it to others, but on the other hand, how am I supposed to accomplish my goal of letting the reader better understand what life is like as a gender dysphoric person, without discussing the pain and some of the muck that goes along with it.  I know that talking about it can be healing.  I certainly hope so, as I am in as much pain now, as I have been in some time.

I guess this goes back to about three weeks ago.  I was feeling fine, great, WONDERFUL in fact.  I was smiling again, eating better etc.  I had an appointment for therapy, and I had thought about canceling it, but then thought, It might be good to run some thoughts by him.  We discussed how good I was doing, some of the good I had done, some service I had done, all things that were tremendously healing for me.  With about 10 minutes to go, something that I had thought I wanted to talk about, but didn't think it was a big enough deal to talk about unless we had some time.  (This is referred to as a door knob confession, you have a great session, and on your way out, the client says, Oh, by the way, I'm going to kill myself when I get home!)  Now, this conversation wasn't as dramatic, however it was certainly just as intense for me.

I asked Rich, my therapist what he knew about dream interpretation.  Now knowing that I had ZERO training in dream analysis, I figured that he wouldn't know much, and he acknowledged as such.  He asked me why I was asking.  I began telling him "I've had this type of recurring dream my whole life, with different players, different settings, etc, with the same general theme.  When I was younger and before I came out as Transgender to my wife, the dream would include me wearing some sort of women's clothing, and running through a crowded hallway, desperately trying to find a place where I could change so I wouldn't be embarrassed.  I ran and ran and ran, into one bathroom, only to find it locked, into a classroom, only to find it full of students.  I spent the whole dream looking for a place to change and never found it."  This type of dream has always been a part of my life, however on a side note, since coming out, the dream has changed.  This time, i'm in a public place, wearing women's clothes, and I'm totally proud of myself.  I'm not embarrassed.  I'm talking, laughing with others etc.  I feel as though coming out relieved the burden of trying to keep this a secret. Anyway, back to therapy......"Since coming out, these dreams of trying to find something that I just can't get to no matter how hard I try, continues on an almost weekly basis. The most recent one, I was coming home from a trip, and I had to find this backpack.  I looked and looked and looked all during my dream, and I couldn't find it.  I asked for help from my wife, my mom, anyone I knew to help me, but I never found it". I honestly hadn't given these types of dreams much thought, I just figured that there was more for me to do, and I wasn't reaching my full potential, but I couldn't figure out what it was.  Was I not a good enough Father, Husband, member of the church etc?  I didn't know.

Rich looked at me almost like he couldn't believe that I didn't have the answer.  His words pierced me through the heart and I truly haven't been the same since.  He said "In my opinion, your reaching for your gender, the gender that is comfortable to you, and that's something that you may never reach."  I ugly cried for about 5 minutes after that comment.  I knew it was true.  No matter what I do on this earth (even if I were to go to the extreme and seek surgery..... which I am not planning on), it still wouldn't make me the natal female that I feel like inside.  It was one of those moments in therapy when I realized that I was once again putting on a facade that all was well, but it wasn't.  I was terribly sad and depressed and dysphoric inside.

Since then, the dysphoria has gotten steadily worse, as I realize that the months of claiming to be OK have been boiling to the top and resurfacing.  I had a panic attack during Sacrament meeting.  (I was feeling very nervous going into the meeting, but thought I had an easy way out, should the need arise, when another family came in and sat down next to my family, sealing me in so to say") I was able to utilize deep breathing to get me through, but the pain was to great.  I had to leave after Sacrament meeting.  I apologize to those who spoke, I have no idea what was said, I was focusing on my breathing as opposed to you words and opposed to the pain and depression I was experiencing. I haven't attended Elder's Quorum for about a month now.  I just can't seem to walk into that classroom.  The anxiety skyrockets as I interact with men and am taught about male responsibilities, when i don't feel like a man on the inside.  I know what I am on the outside, It just doesn't match who I am inside.

 I also am finding that pronouns are really beginning to bother me.  This hasn't always been the case.  But every time I go out to eat, to a convenience store and hear "Sir, can I help you?" or "Have a nice day sir" it feels like a punch in the gut.  Am I mad at them for saying these things.... OF COURSE NOT.  They truly don't know better, I present as male all the time in public, so no one would know.  It just hurts.  It's this constant reminder that I will always be a sir, when what I really wish for is to hear "Thank you Ma'am."   I walk out of those places with a fake smile on my face and a real tear in my eye.  How I wish this society could get over the gender norms that have been placed upon us.  You may be thinking "It's only clothing, it's no big deal."  But clothing and gender expression are a BIG DEAL!  Every day, I go to work, in clothes that society tells me I have to wear due to my gender assignment at birth.  I see men looking (seemingly confident) in the clothes that they wear and are able to express themselves, and Women also being able to express themselves.  It leads to anger, jealously and depression.  I ask myself why me?  Why must I go through this?  It sucks....GENDER DYSPHORIA SUCKS!!!!!!!  I don't know what else to say.  I'd like to ask for prayers, as I am really struggling right now.  I'm not suicidal, so don't call the cops or anything, or think this is my last post, I'm not hopeless, just hurting right now.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I hope that this can be of some kind of help to someone.