Why Do I keep Doing This?

There are times where I ask myself if it's worth writing this blog.  Some posts are very emotional for me and I wonder if it's worth it.  I know that this is petty of me, but when I see very few likes on Facebook, I get down.  I know that I shouldn't because, well, I do this for me primarily and hope to help others in the process.

I was really wondering about why I keep this blog going a few weeks ago, when someone I served my mission with commented on Facebook "This makes me sick."  Since he has left the church, I didn't know if the fact that I was staying in the Church was making him sick, but I had a feeling that it was me being trans. My initial reaction was to attack, but the spirit whispered to hold off.  I took most of the day and sent him a private message later in the day.  We had a decent conversation, It's clear that he is uncomfortable with trans people, however his most pertinent experiences with trans people was in what he called a "tranny bar," which I asked him to not clump me or my group into that same category, as we are striving to stay true to Christ.  I realize that a person's first introduction to a transgender person goes a long way to how trans people will be viewed later.  I had another distant family member whose only experience with trans people was in Portland, and watching trans people bar hop.  I asked if it would have made a difference if his first exposure would have been in a FHE setting, with other trans folks reading the Book of Mormon, and bearing testimony of the savior would change his views, and he didn't have an answer.  (Which I get, It's hard to know.)

Then, last week, I got a message from someone whose child just came out as gay.  Now, even though being gay and transgender are two different issues, the impact for this person was very deep.  They had been following my blog and wanted to know how best to support their son.  Because of my associations with Northstar, I do have some resources for them, I do have parents they can talk to, but most of all, I have empathy.  I have some semblance of what they are going through.  Fortunately, their primary concern was to make sure that their child was loved, no matter what path they take.  I was grateful to hear that.  There are too many horror stories about children being abandoned by their parents, simply because they have an LGBT child.  Love is always the answer.

So, with that one contact, I know I made at least a small difference in someone else's life.  I often remember this poem, especially with being a social worker,  There is so much need out there, how can I possibly make a difference.  Well, here is my answer.

So, I will keep on.  I want to and need to share my story and my experiences.  I want people to have a different view of trans people than what they have been force fed by the national media, or other places that put trans people in a negative light.  I want my Mormon friends to realize that it is possible to be trans and remain an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I want others to know of my testimony of my saviour Jesus Christ and that I know during my darkest times, he knows what I am going through.  No matter how much I want to tell myself I'm alone, I know that I am not.  

Feeling a renewed sense of hope and purpose

This past weekend was the Northstar conference, and the conference theme was Upon The Rock of Christ.  What an inspiring, uplifting, hope filled weekend.  As the conference was ending, not only was I crying due to the beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace which was being sung, but I realized that the conference was over and it would be back to life as usual when we left the conference.  I was sad that the friends I got to see who traveled from out of state, I wouldn't be seeing again for a while.  I was sad that the new friends I had made I wouldn't be seeing for awhile again as well.  I love this conference and I am proud to be part of the Northstar family, because that is what it feels like. Whether people are LGBT, allies, family and friends etc, there is just a sense of community and family.  People taking time to talk to me, get to know me.  Testimonies were shared, admiration was expressed.  The people in the conference each have their challenges, however we share in our love of our Savior and in his gospel.  I'd like to take a moment and share some experiences, thoughts etc. from the last three days.

Thursday night was the service project.  What an awesome night to witness my wife in her element, as she was in charge of organizing the event.  I watched with such pride as I saw so many people fill the room for not only dinner, but to be able to serve others.  I was humbled as I was able to talk to other people and learn of their challenges and how they are striving to remain close to Christ.  I witnessed two members of my Ward, who decided to dedicate much of their time on Thursday night teaching us how to make "courage capes" which will be delivered to local pediatric wards at area hospitals to give to kids who are undergoing some kind of surgery.  I got to speak to others while we put together kid kits which were delivered to the local food pantry to be given to children who have little to no food to allow them to be fed for the weekend.  I watched with pride as my 10 year old daughter worked so hard to help cutting out the fabric for these capes, and my other children interacting with others at the conference, and truly being on their best behavior.  My heart was full of joy as I thought about the good we were doing, and at how well the event turned out because I knew that my wife had done something amazing which she most certainly would be proud of!!!

The next morning was the first day of conference.  Seeing friends that I hadn't seen in a year was such a happy reunion!!!!  It's amazing the bond you feel when you are with others who understand what you are going through.  Some of these people I only met at last years conference and have only kept in touch through Facebook, but I feel such a connection with them, almost like they are family.  I felt enveloped in their love.  The opening keynote speaker was incredible.  His testimony of Christ was amazing, and his love for his brother's and sister's was felt.  Two moments from the opening session really set the tone for me.  First, this quote "God has more grace, than we have sins."  What a beautiful, simple and true thought.  God's grace is infinite, and fortunately our sins are finite.  If we turn to him, his Grace is sufficient.  Secondly, the closing hymn was "I believe in Christ."  A hymn that I have sung hundreds of times, and this time, the fourth verse really struck a chord with me.

I believe in Christ, so come what may

With him I'll stand, at that great day

When on this earth he comes again 

to rule among the sons of men. 

The opening line of that verse really hit me.  While I have been experiencing my own struggles, because I believe in Christ and I maintain a testimony of him, I can overcome any trials and stand with him at his second coming.  I have begun to realize just how much I was concerned about the judgements of men, as opposed to the judgements of Christ.  I know he loves me, he has confirmed to me that I am walking the path he has prepared for me.

The rest of the conference that day had breakout sessions etc, each focused on helping those in the LGBT community learn how to stay close and connected to the gospel, how to support loved ones who are LGBT and stay in the church or have chosen to leave.  The overwhelming message for both was simple.  Love.  In this church, we value agency.  Sometimes people choose to leave the Church.  Agency allows that, and we don't get to judge them, because we don't know what's in their heart or mind at the time they made that decision.  Christ is their judge, so we leave judgement to Him. Se we love them, we stay in contact with them. We keep them in our prayers, keep them connected with the family etc.  Did I mention that we LOVE them?

Saturday morning was an even more spiritual day for me.  The opening speaker was Sister Virginia Hinckley Pearce, daughter of President Gordon B. Hinckley.  I felt not only the spirit of our Heavenly Father, but the spirit of her father there as well.  Oh, how I miss President Hinckley.  His seemingly infinite amount of optimism, his messages of being happy, having faith that all will work out as we stay faithful, all came flooding back as I heard his daughter speak.  The first breakout session that I attended dealt with communicating with Church Leaders about LGBT issues and the church.  There were over 150 people in the room and about 80 leaders in there.  I don't know if any of those church leaders will see this, but a HUGE THANK YOU for taking the time out of your busy Saturday's to attend a conference so you can better understand how to minister to the LGBT community in your congregations.  

Ed Hayward, whose daughter is Transgender and who starred along with her daughter in the documentary Transmormon (you can look it up on youtube) began speaking, the flood gates began opening up.  I ugly cried throughout the presentation.  He put into words what I have wanted to say, but didn't have the words for in regards to why my interactions with my church leaders have been so painful.  He said "When a transgender person is sitting across from you, telling you that they are transgender, what they are really asking you is....can you still love me?"  I have not cried as hard as I did in that moment, as I realized that part of the sting of the interactions with my church leaders, is that I did not feel as though they loved me.  They wanted to fix me, telling me (although unintentionally) that I was some kind of mistake.  Again, this is just another reason I'm grateful for Northstar, because of them, I had the courage to come out to family, friends etc, and know that the answer to the question of "can you love me" which I was asking in coming out to them, is a resounding YES!!  I am so grateful for my wonderful family and friends who continue to show their love for me and love me for me, and don't view me any different than they did before I told them.

I had the privilege of being able to present during this conference on the topic of "Finding Peace in our Transgender Relationships." Just prior to my session, a couple who I had seen in the previous session stopped me in the hallway and commented on how good that session was.  I agreed and told him that I was transgender and that Ed's comments especially hit me.  He validated how difficult this journey I am on must be, which caused tears to begin welling up in my eyes.  He asked if he could hug me, which I completely agreed to.   Again, the conference just exuded love.  I felt this couple's love, and I did not know them, I don't even know their names! Then It was time for my presentation. I absolutely LOVED presenting!!!!  I had so much fun.  The feedback I got after the presentation was very positive (I guess I'll find out how true that was when the anonymous survey's are filled out!!!!)  But it was very fun.  I was very surprised at how well I kept my composure as throughout the conference, I felt this overwhelming sense of love towards my wife.  She is just simply AMAZING.  She didn't have to stay with me.  She could have said that 14 years of lying to her was more than she could bear.  She could have freaked out and barred me from seeking out support or interacting at all with others in the LDS, transgender community.  But, she stayed.  She stayed because she loves me, who I am on the inside and whatever that looks like on the outside.  She LOVES me, and I LOVE her.  I got to brag about her during my presentation, and I thought I would start crying during those times, but I didn't.  The Lord strengthened me and allowed me to complete my presentation.

Tina and I skipped the next break out session to participate in Northstar's new video campaign #truetohim.  I got to share a small portion of my story and discuss how I am true to him.  How I am true to the savior.  I'm not sure when that video will be put out, but believe me, I'll be posting it all over Facebook.  Another exciting development, is that Tina and I have decided to participate in Northstar's Voices of Hope video interviews.  We will be interviewed and share our story about being transgender in the LDS church.  The video will then be put up on Northstar's website, and yes, I will let everyone know when that video hits.

After the conference, I was filled with gratitude for the spirit that I felt, and also with a sense of sadness.  I LOVE these people.  I love the sense of community, friendship and family that is created when we get together.  A few of us were able to go out to eat afterwards and just talk.   Talk about our struggles, triumphs, and just life in general.  It was difficult to watch people walk out of the restaurant and back to their homes, wherever that may be.  I know that i'll see them again, and thanks to Facebook, we will keep in touch.

In closing, I know that my Savior lives.  I have felt his influence in my life more so over the last 10 days, than perhaps ever in my life.  I hope to be able to continue to reach out to others in the LDS transgender community and allow them to feel welcome and loved, as others have welcomed and loved me.  Thank you Northstar for putting on such a wonderful conference.  I can't wait till next year!!!!

It's getting vulnerable in here.....

To this point in this blog, I have generally focused on some of the positive things that I have been doing to navigate through the quagmire that is Gender Dysphoria.  In looking at my posts, while these were absolutely my feelings, I've shied away from the difficult feelings that I experience.  I guess I wanted to protect any readers of this blog from feeling sorry from me.  Maybe I didn't want to put myself out there, or talk about other real struggles I am having.  These issues are often gut wrenching and I don't particularly like to talk about it to others, but on the other hand, how am I supposed to accomplish my goal of letting the reader better understand what life is like as a gender dysphoric person, without discussing the pain and some of the muck that goes along with it.  I know that talking about it can be healing.  I certainly hope so, as I am in as much pain now, as I have been in some time.

I guess this goes back to about three weeks ago.  I was feeling fine, great, WONDERFUL in fact.  I was smiling again, eating better etc.  I had an appointment for therapy, and I had thought about canceling it, but then thought, It might be good to run some thoughts by him.  We discussed how good I was doing, some of the good I had done, some service I had done, all things that were tremendously healing for me.  With about 10 minutes to go, something that I had thought I wanted to talk about, but didn't think it was a big enough deal to talk about unless we had some time.  (This is referred to as a door knob confession, you have a great session, and on your way out, the client says, Oh, by the way, I'm going to kill myself when I get home!)  Now, this conversation wasn't as dramatic, however it was certainly just as intense for me.

I asked Rich, my therapist what he knew about dream interpretation.  Now knowing that I had ZERO training in dream analysis, I figured that he wouldn't know much, and he acknowledged as such.  He asked me why I was asking.  I began telling him "I've had this type of recurring dream my whole life, with different players, different settings, etc, with the same general theme.  When I was younger and before I came out as Transgender to my wife, the dream would include me wearing some sort of women's clothing, and running through a crowded hallway, desperately trying to find a place where I could change so I wouldn't be embarrassed.  I ran and ran and ran, into one bathroom, only to find it locked, into a classroom, only to find it full of students.  I spent the whole dream looking for a place to change and never found it."  This type of dream has always been a part of my life, however on a side note, since coming out, the dream has changed.  This time, i'm in a public place, wearing women's clothes, and I'm totally proud of myself.  I'm not embarrassed.  I'm talking, laughing with others etc.  I feel as though coming out relieved the burden of trying to keep this a secret. Anyway, back to therapy......"Since coming out, these dreams of trying to find something that I just can't get to no matter how hard I try, continues on an almost weekly basis. The most recent one, I was coming home from a trip, and I had to find this backpack.  I looked and looked and looked all during my dream, and I couldn't find it.  I asked for help from my wife, my mom, anyone I knew to help me, but I never found it". I honestly hadn't given these types of dreams much thought, I just figured that there was more for me to do, and I wasn't reaching my full potential, but I couldn't figure out what it was.  Was I not a good enough Father, Husband, member of the church etc?  I didn't know.

Rich looked at me almost like he couldn't believe that I didn't have the answer.  His words pierced me through the heart and I truly haven't been the same since.  He said "In my opinion, your reaching for your gender, the gender that is comfortable to you, and that's something that you may never reach."  I ugly cried for about 5 minutes after that comment.  I knew it was true.  No matter what I do on this earth (even if I were to go to the extreme and seek surgery..... which I am not planning on), it still wouldn't make me the natal female that I feel like inside.  It was one of those moments in therapy when I realized that I was once again putting on a facade that all was well, but it wasn't.  I was terribly sad and depressed and dysphoric inside.

Since then, the dysphoria has gotten steadily worse, as I realize that the months of claiming to be OK have been boiling to the top and resurfacing.  I had a panic attack during Sacrament meeting.  (I was feeling very nervous going into the meeting, but thought I had an easy way out, should the need arise, when another family came in and sat down next to my family, sealing me in so to say") I was able to utilize deep breathing to get me through, but the pain was to great.  I had to leave after Sacrament meeting.  I apologize to those who spoke, I have no idea what was said, I was focusing on my breathing as opposed to you words and opposed to the pain and depression I was experiencing. I haven't attended Elder's Quorum for about a month now.  I just can't seem to walk into that classroom.  The anxiety skyrockets as I interact with men and am taught about male responsibilities, when i don't feel like a man on the inside.  I know what I am on the outside, It just doesn't match who I am inside.

 I also am finding that pronouns are really beginning to bother me.  This hasn't always been the case.  But every time I go out to eat, to a convenience store and hear "Sir, can I help you?" or "Have a nice day sir" it feels like a punch in the gut.  Am I mad at them for saying these things.... OF COURSE NOT.  They truly don't know better, I present as male all the time in public, so no one would know.  It just hurts.  It's this constant reminder that I will always be a sir, when what I really wish for is to hear "Thank you Ma'am."   I walk out of those places with a fake smile on my face and a real tear in my eye.  How I wish this society could get over the gender norms that have been placed upon us.  You may be thinking "It's only clothing, it's no big deal."  But clothing and gender expression are a BIG DEAL!  Every day, I go to work, in clothes that society tells me I have to wear due to my gender assignment at birth.  I see men looking (seemingly confident) in the clothes that they wear and are able to express themselves, and Women also being able to express themselves.  It leads to anger, jealously and depression.  I ask myself why me?  Why must I go through this?  It sucks....GENDER DYSPHORIA SUCKS!!!!!!!  I don't know what else to say.  I'd like to ask for prayers, as I am really struggling right now.  I'm not suicidal, so don't call the cops or anything, or think this is my last post, I'm not hopeless, just hurting right now.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I hope that this can be of some kind of help to someone.

My Testimony

I wish that I could take credit for this particular post, however I got this idea from someone in one of the online support groups I am a part of.  She felt that there was an overall sense of negativity creeping into the group and wanted to share her testimony as a way to curtail and bring the Spirit back into the group.  It made me reflect on my own testimony of the Gospel and to review what I know to be true.


Since coming out as Transgender, certain experiences negatively influenced my testimony.  I honestly didn't know what I believed to be true anymore.  I felt more and more distant from my Heavenly Father, I didn't and couldn't feel his love for me.  I became angry and bitter towards those that had hurt me.  I was angry and bitter towards members of my extended family and other friends, people who are LDS, and followers of Christ, continue to post hurtful, hateful things about the Transgender community.  I thought, how can they purport to be a follower of Christ and say these things about their brothers and sisters.  As you can tell by that last comment, I also became more and more judgmental. 


After some time, I began to realize that it wasn't Heavenly Father who moved away from me, but I had moved away from him.  I began praying.  At first it was just a formality.  I was praying because that is what is expected of me.  After a few months, He began to answer, with whispers of "I Love You", "Be patient, this is only temporary" and other comforting thoughts.  This strengthened my testimony of Him and His love for me.


Despite this, I still had some doubts about the Church as a whole, the structure of the Church.  I could feel my testimony of the Gospel coming back, but struggling with even going to Church.  I still attended (mainly because I was in the Primary, and I really enjoyed that calling), but it was a struggle.  One day, this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was either read, or I heard it.  It said "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited." That really struck me.  I knew I had a testimony of my Heavenly Father and also of Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer.  And to be honest at that time, that was the ONLY ground I had won.  Everything else seemed to be in doubt.  As time has gone by, I have gained some more ground, this ground was won through prayer, pondering and studying, and this is what I would like to share:


I know that I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father who loves me, more than I can imagine.  Because of his love, he sent his Only begotten Son, Jesus Christ to atone for the sins of the world, and I also know that his love is so much, that even if I were the only one on earth, he would have atoned just for my sins.  I have grown closer to them as I have gone through this trial than I ever thought possible.  I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon.  I'm reading it once again on a daily basis, and the truths of that book are truly touching to me.  It's testimony of the Savior is simply beautiful. I have come to gain a greater appreciation for the Priesthood as I have seen it work so powerfully in my life.  As you can see, I'm gaining more ground, and still have more ground to gain.  Yet saying that, I am in such a better place with my testimony than I have in a long time.


Reflecting on the almost two years since I first told my wife, I can see how trials bring blessing.  I feel a love for her greater than I ever have.  We are able to communicate on a much deeper level, which leads to greater connection.  As stated above, I feel my Saviors love more intensely than I have ever in my life.  I have found great companionship in support groups with like minded individuals who have similar struggles as me, or have family members with Gender Dysphoria.  I feel so loved when I am able to get together with them for our monthly Family Home Evenings or other get togethers, It's a feeling of connectedness that I'm not sure I have ever felt.  (And yes, I need to attend more of them.... Looking forward to next weeks!!) 


Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I do feel grateful for all that I have, despite going through difficult times.

As Joe Cocker and the Beatles stated, I get by "with a little help from my friends!!"

In one of my previous posts, I introduced you to one of my friends, the Genderbread person.




This to me is a fantastic graphic describing the differences between a person's gender identity, their sexual orientation, their biological sex etc.  If you notice over on the right, there is a spectrum of gender identities, some identify as neutral or non gendered, others feel fully male or female. And within biological sex, there are those who are born intersex, with parts of both male and female reproductive systems. (People who feel as though their biological sex and gender match are called cis-gender).  For me, I feel as though my biological sex does not match my gender which causes dysphoria.  The medical condition is called Gender Dysphoria.  The definition for Dysphoria is:  "a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life."  So Gender Dysphoria is a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction or disconnect between their biological sex and their gender.  Initially, many transgender people experience what has been termed "Gender Identity Incongruence", which is an overall feeling that something doesn't match, however no big deal.  Often times, this feeling goes away.  For me, and other people who are Transgender, this continues on into puberty and into adulthood and grows into full blown Dysphoria.  This Dysphoria for me tends to come out in a variety of ways, such as:

1 .Looking at myself in the mirror, and not recognizing the person in front of me.
2. Wishing and hoping that some miracle will occur to turn me into a woman (and then when the reality happens that is not going to happen, depression often follows.)
3. Jealously.  I honestly often times get jealous, not only of other women, but of men as well.  How I would LONG to feel comfortable not only in my own body, but within my gender/biological sex.  At times, I get overwhelmed with knowing that I quite possibly could be the only one in a room that experiences Gender Dysphoria, which leads to.......
4. Lonliness-  I often feel so alone and so overwhelmed at my loneliness that it leads to ....
5.  Depression:  I often get depressed and am currently on anti-depressants and therapy to cope with this depression.
5. Anxiety:  I have had panic attacks (or near panic attacks due to the disconnect I feel between my gender identity and my biological sex.) 
6:  Anger.  I really get frustrated with the gender norms of our society.  As evidenced by the Genderbread person, a person's gender expression is an important part of who they are.  I've used this analogy before, and I think it bears repeating again.  If a woman wants to go out with short hair, in a t-shirt, jeans, sneakers etc, no one even gives it a second thought.  We also must realize it wasn't always this way. However, if a man wants to go out in a dress, skirt, blouse or high heels.... well to quote one of my favorite movie villains of all time........














This gets really frustrating to me, however it is the society that we live in.

Given that there are a wide variety of ways that people experience Gender Dysphoria, there are an equal number of ways that people choose to cope with their gender Dysphoria.  I'd like to post two videos of two people who have chosen two different ways to manage their Gender Dypshoria, and please note, that in talking to each of them, they will both tell you that their stories are theirs alone,and they are in no way stating that theirs is the ONLY path, each transgender individual needs to find their own way.  The first video is from a friend of mine named Nick. You can watch his video Here. The other story comes from other friends Neca Allgood, and Grayson Moore and their video can be seen Here. 

In the above linked videos, we see two examples of two people who have chosen for whatever reasons to cope with their gender dysphoria in different ways.  I personally fall somewhere between the two.  I believe that for me, a full time transition (such as Grayson) is not for me.  I don't believe that is my path, and I also have found that when I do nothing to express my gender identity, everything in my life falls apart.  My work suffers, my family suffers, my emotional health suffers, my spiritual health suffers.  I wish this was something that could be prayed away, as I have tried to pray it away, plead for increased strength etc. That is why I dress on occasion to help balance out the Gender Dysphoria.

I was so grateful to find a support group where all points of view are accepted.  Just like there is a myriad of ways to deal with depression, anxiety, etc, there isn't a one size fits all solution to working with and coping with Gender Dysphoria.  This was comforting to me.  I had believed that there was only one way, and that was to transition, making my decision to come out even scarier for me, because I'd have to face that possibility.  So, I ask that when you come across someone who is transgender, remember that first and foremost they are children of a loving Heavenly Father.  Because he loves us so much, he gives each of us agency to act according to the "dictates of our own conscience".  We don't know their story, we haven't walked a mile in their shoes.  Whatever decision they make is theirs to make, and within an LDS context (or religious one in general) is between them and their Heavenly Father.   For those that are married or have children, I certainly would advocate that including them in the decision should also be done.

So, to my Transgender friends, comment below on how you experience Dysphoria.  Are there any on my list that you would like to add?  Feel free and comment below. 

On Maslow, The Walking Dead, Baseball, Piano keyboards, Camping and Fishing.

 I feel as though this post needs a disclaimer:  "The views expressed here are my thoughts and my thoughts alone.  I don't pretend to speak for all Transgender individuals, or LDS Transgender individuals."  As Oscar Wilde said "Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals."  

Anyone who has studied psychology has heard of and is generally aware of Maslow's Hierarchy of  needs.  in case you aren't familiar, here is a graphic which explains it.

So, what does this have to do with being Transgender, or having Gender Dysphoria?  Let me explain.  I am a huge fan of the TV show "The Walking Dead."  During the last season, I found myself asking "If I were in the zombie apocalypse, would my gender dysphoria even exist?  Would I even care that my inner self doesn't match my outer self?  Looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the answer is probably not, or it would be greatly diminished, because I would be too busy looking out for my Physiological and Safety needs.  Anyway, this came to be a very real thing to me over the past month.  

My 9 year old daughter played baseball this year. Her team qualified for the state tournament. She was the only girl in her state pool, I was so proud of her.  The week prior to the state tournament, I was feeling very dysphoric.  I was lying in my bed curled in the fetal position crying.  My wife came in and asked what was wrong, even though I know she already knew.  I think I just told her that my dysphoria was really bad, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could take it. She asked me "Is this worth it."  (Meaning staying married and not socially transitioning.... That is a line that my wife is not comfortable with.  FYI, a social transition would consist of me living full time as a female, however does not mean any type of surgery would be involved.)  I don't think I answered her at the time, however the question hung over me for several days, and the answer that came to me crystal clear is that yes, it is worth it.  I could not imagine a life where my wife is not an every day part of it, and the ups and downs of my dysphoria are probably more manageable WITH her in my life.

Fast Forward one week.  State baseball Tournament.  (Both my son and daughter's teams made state, so it was a crazy week, 6 games in two days!!)  My daughter comes up to bat, her last at bat of the season as her team was already eliminated from the tournament, and they were losing big that day.  A new pitcher comes in and he is throwing hard and fast.  I don't remember the exact count, but she had seen a few pitches.  Then the pitcher wound up threw the ball, and it hit my daughter square on the nose.  Here are some pictures of the event.  The first one was taken right after, the second one, at the ER for the first time, and the last one, was the day we left Primary Children's Hospital.  This post would take days to read if I told you all that occurred during that time, so to sum things up, she was hit by a baseball, went to an ER at 3 different hospitals, 5 different times, one trip to the OR, and three days in Primary Children's Hospital.  During the course of that week, not once did I pay any attention to any triggers that I may have had, or had any dysphoria at all.  My focus was solely on keeping my family up and running, and making sure my daughter got better.  Again, furthering my argument that for me, if my safety or physical needs are an issue, I don't think that my gender identity would matter as much.  So, in a way, this gender dysphoria is a blessing to some degree.  It means that I am safe, my family is safe, and my needs are being met, etc.

Just previous to my daughter's accident, a member of one of the support groups that I belong to made this statement that her dad said to her.  "You being transgender is just one part of what makes you, you.  Just like there are 28 keys (or whatever the number is...  too lazy to look it up!!) that make beautiful music on a piano, if you only focus or "play" one key, that is all anyone will notice. That statement really resonated with me.The more I thought about that, the more I realized that if I only played that one key, how boring, or obnoxious that would  become to others around me!   I was focusing too much on my "transgender key" and not enough on the other parts of me that make me, me.   Of course my gender identity is a very important key on the keyboard of me, it isn't the only one.  After her accident and release from the hospital, I decided that I needed to focus more time on the other 27 keys. The first key I decided to focus on was my role as a father and husband.  These are rolls that I cherish and love.  I was asked if I could help coach my son's tackle football team, and initially I didn't want to, and this is something I generally would have turned down, especially since looking back, I quit football due to the "overly manliness" of practices,  but then I thought about what that would mean to my son, and how our relationship could improve.  I have been doing that now for about a month, and am having a blast doing it!  (Minus the re aggravation of my bulging disk.... but that's another story for another day.)  I started watching TV shows with my children, instead of focusing on what I wanted to watch.  We discovered just how much as a family we love America's Got Talent!  It got us talking more and more to each other.

I also have tried and continue to try to give my wife the time that she needs to help her to adapt to all this whirlwind of change around her.  She tries to get out of the house once a week, although it doesn't happen every week, due to football and work commitments, that hasn't been able to happen very much.  I spoke to my bosses at work and tweaked my schedule, so she can have her day off to make this happen.  This serves a double purpose, it shows how much I understand her need for space and need for a break sometimes, and also gives me time with my children.

We also went camping as a family with two of my brothers and their families.  Now, I am not now nor never have been a fisherman.  In fact, the thought of even touching one now makes me squeamish. (It's funny, because I remember catching my first fish and had no problem with it, but my younger brother needed a napkin to hold up the fish he caught for our Mom to take a picture.) My brothers however love to fish and have passed the love of fishing to my son.  I generally would just allow my brothers to take him, or not join in at all, however in keeping with my intentions to better myself as a father, I decided to get a fishing license, get some power bait and gear and to fishing on the campout.  We didn't catch anything, (Thank goodness.... after my brothers left, I had no idea what to do if we did!!) but the memories will last forever.  I loved being able to watch my son cast out and reel in, my daughters coming over to help reel in, and my older daughter casting out.  I got to be with my family, no TV, no Electronics, in nature.  The sky was beautiful and the scenery was as well.

I also took a little break from my Facebook support group.  I found I was being sucked into the group more and more and that I wasn't giving my family the attention they deserve.  This is entirely my fault, not the fault of the group.  I further have tried distancing myself from social media in general.  While I still check in every so often, it isn't every day, and might be as much as two to three times a week.  (I used to check it every hour or so!!!)  I have also found that I do miss the support of the group (I'm coming back guys, I promise!!!), however being away has allowed me to focus on me and what I need to do to be happy.  I feel as though I am in a really happy place right now.  That could be just me coming to accept who I am as a transgender individual, to getting onto the right anti-depressants, or focusing on other aspects of myself, and probably all of the above has gotten me into a very good place. My dysphoria has been very low as of late, which I am grateful for.  I don't know how long this will last, but I plan on soaking up every second of it!!!

The Battle of the Bulge!!!

One of the things that I have discovered throughout this process are that many people who are transgender have a tendency to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the disconnect they feel between their physical bodies and how they feel inside.  Through the years, I have realized that I have also developed other coping strategies, that I hadn't realized I was using to cope until recently.  Generally, this has been video games, as this allows me to escape my reality for a little while.  I play mostly football games on my PS3, and I would find myself so consumed that I would be planning on how I can build my team to be better while showering, at work, etc.  I continue to play, however it doesn't consume me as much as it did before.  The main point of this particular part of my blog is to discuss what I believe to be my biggest obstacle in regards to overcoming unhealthy coping strategies.  I have turned to food for comfort, causing me to put on much more weight than I'd like to admit.

I've always been "big" for my age and was generally always the tallest (or close to) and was always described as "husky." As an adolescent, I began isolating myself, and stopped being active.  That led to weight gain, that I wasn't noticing.  As I prepared to go on my mission, I weighed myself and I was about 275 lbs prior to my mission.  I remember telling myself that I'd never get over 300 lbs.  I gained some weight on my mission, however not a ton, and was still under 300 lbs.  Well, as time wore on, and I turned more and more to food for comfort, the scale creeped closer and closer to 300 lbs.  I wasn't active (I was also working full time, in school full time, so my eating habits generally were terrible.)  It wasn't long before I was over 300 lbs, and I felt horribly ashamed.  I am blessed however in that my weight is evenly distributed.  I remember having a conversation with a co-worker about weight and he told me how much he weighed and (I was about 340 by this point)  I told him I weighed about 310, and he said "No way, you don't look it!"  So, I'm glad that I don't just put on weight in one place.

After school and moving back to Utah, I never got into any sort of healthy routines.  I would comfort eat constantly.  I'm happy, let's eat!  I'm Sad, Let's Eat!  I have realized that much of my unhealthy eating patterns was a part of my trying to escape the sadness I felt in regards to my disconnect between mind and body, however that was never at the forefront of my mind.  I just knew that eating made me feel better.  I found comfort in food.  My first two professional jobs were at  substance abuse counseling centers.  A common question that is asked, is what is a client's drug of choice.  As clients would go around the room, and say "alcohol, heroin, meth" etc, when it came around to me, I often would say that Mountain Dew was my drug of choice, and even though I said it to be funny, the truth of the matter was that it was my drug of choice.  Throughout the years, I would promise myself that I'd start exercising, I'd go out for a walk, or do other workout videos, and I always overdid it, thinking that I needed to lose all the weight I could in as little time as possible.  The problem with that attitude, is that weight loss isn't meant to be a quick fix thing, and I found myself hurting too much the next day, and couldn't exercise for several days after, making me believe that my attempts were futile.

As time progressed, I was noticing that I no longer fit into my 3x shirts, and was now buying 4x shirts and size 48 pants.  One day I stepped on the scale to see a number I thought I'd never see.  370.  That's right, I had ballooned up to 370.  This was about three years ago, about the time my youngest son was born.  Here are a couple of pictures that were taken during this time in my life.  I knew that something had to be done.

The day we took Luke home, again, probably at my heaviest

Me and my brother Tyler, getting ready to Slip and Slide

Me at about my heaviest, with our old dog Murphy. R.I.P.

I started off slowly, began tracking calories through My Fitness Pal, and got a gym membership and started swimming.  I loved swimming, and through proper diet and exercise, the weight started to come off, and more importantly, my blood pressure was down, and I felt good about myself.  After about six months of swimming 3-4 days a week, I found myself getting bored of this routine.  My brother had begun running and even though I couldn't fathom that running could be enjoyable, I decided to give it a try.  I was introduced to the Couch to 5k running app on my phone.  Basically it takes you from a couch potato to being able to run a 5k, the process takes three months to gradually get the endurance needed.  I set a goal to be able to run my first 5k at our City's Pony Express Day's 5k, and I was able to accomplish that goal.  Tina began joining me as well, and her competitive spirit caught up to her.  I remember the first time I had run a 5k, I came home beaming, and she with jealously and competition in her heart, determined to do the same, and she did the next day.  We entered the 5k, and completed it.  I was so proud of us!!

Not being content to have completed "just" a 5k, my company hosts a welless run each year, and it has a 5k and a 10k option. I decided to push myself and entered into the 10k race, while Tina entered the 5k, and our son AJ also entered the 5k race.  I continued to run 3-4 times a week, and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.  I loved the mental toughness it gave me.  Almost every time I trained, thoughts came into my head such as "start walking here, take a break, you can't go any further" and I had to tell myself "of course you can go further, keep going!"  Using this technique, I was able to work my way up to being able to run a 10k, and did so in August of 2013.  Here we are at the end of that race.  

Following the completion of that race, I continued to push myself, however not as often or as much as I would have liked to.  I learned that if I didn't have a goal in mind, I struggled to continue my running.  Just prior to my 10k, I had watched my younger brother and his wife complete the Utah Valley half marathon, a run that goes through Provo Canyon.  I thought how cool would that be to accomplish such a feat.  In the spring of 2014, I began ramping up my training and I entered the Utah Valley Half marathon.  I couldn't believe it.  ME running a HALF MARATHON?!?!?!?!  I HATED running growing up, and now, not only am I planning on running 13.1 miles, but I was going to PAY for it?  What was I thinking?  Well, I knew that I had to have a goal, or else my good training habits would fall away.  I remember the first time I ran for 11 miles.  I was so proud of myself.  Most half marathon training sites I had seen recommended that you only train to run for 11 miles, and that adrenaline would carry you the last two miles.  I remember the day of the race, needing to wake up at like 4:45 am, so I could get to the buses.  It was cold in the mountains, and many of us were huddled up next to fires that were set up for us.  Once the race began, it was such an amazing experience.  I wasn't racing against anyone, just myself.  I chatted with several people along the way.  Seeing people line the streets to cheer me on was amazing!  Perfect strangers cheering on some guy who would finish at best middle of the pack, yet still cheering!  I had run the whole race, only walking to get water or eat an orange.  Once I hit the 11 mile mark, I started hearing those voices again.  "Just stop now, and walk for a bit, your still going to finish."  And I started to entertain those thoughts, and just then, the song "eye of the tiger" came on, and I thought "I can't walk through this song!!  So I kept on running, all the way to the finish line.  I completed the half marathon just under my goal of 2 hours 30 minutes, finishing at 2 hours 28 minutes.  I was so proud of myself!!!!

Shortly after the completion of this race was when I dropped the "Trans-Bomb" on Tina.  I continued to try to continue to exercise, however I began struggling with depression, as I tried to figure out our new "normal".  I watched Tina struggle with depression, and took all the guilt she was experiencing and placed it on myself.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped eating right.  I began drinking soda on a daily basis.  I started eating doughnuts for breakfast, getting a 52 oz. Mountain Dew, and on really bad days, getting a second one. I began to use food once again to comfort me, and forgetting the healthy habits I had utilized prior.  I was frustrated with myself.  I started noticing that the 2x clothing that we purchased was getting tighter, so I began moving up to 3x.  One day (about one year after dropping the "Trans-Bomb") I decided to step on the scale.  There was that ugly number again.... 370!!  Ughhh, I was so mad at myself, however I wasn't all that surprised.  

Me and AJ at the Priesthood Session of the April 2015 General Conference.

This all brings me to where I am now.  I have mentioned that I don't plan on only using this blog as an opportunity to only discuss my transgender life.  I want to show other struggles and success in my life. As a member of a support group I belong to said "being transgender is just one of the 28 keys to the keyboard that is you, and if you only talk about or play that one key, people may tune you out, or get bored, or annoyed, or ask you to play ANY other key!!  I want this blog to also discuss some of the other keys to the keyboard that is me.  So, another part of this blog will be discussing what I am doing to be healthier.  I know that to focus on weight is not the best way to look at things.  My Doctor chided me as I hung my head in shame over my weight, as my Blood Pressure, and pulse were fine, however he did remind me that increased weight does have problems, so I do need to work on that, however I was also healthy in other areas.  I want to use this space to discuss what I am doing to be a healthier person.

I have begun the Couch to 5k process over again, however am finding it to be more difficult.  It may be because I didn't start with swimming, I don't know, however I am back on My Fitness Pal, and being very cautions with my calories.  I am learning that I feel better when I eat better, and I feel better when I exercise as opposed to laying in bed that extra 45 minutes.