What's Going On?!?!?!?!

The other day, my son came home from school, plopped down in his favorite Lazy Boy and began playing on the PS4.  He had his microphone in and was playing a game with one of his friends down the street.  All of the sudden, I hear him humming a tune, I hadn't thought of in some time.  He even started singing "WHAT'S GOING ON, AND I SAY HEY...."  I told him how much I love that song and I hadn't heard it in ages.  He just said "that song is so annoying."  I don't know what's wrong with kids these days, but they certainly don't appreciate quality music like their Dad.  So, being the kind, loving, and not annoying Father I usually am to my kids, I began singing the song over and over and over, and when I'd get to the chorus, I started shouting "AND I SAY, HEY, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, HEY, YEAH, YEAH, I SAID HEY,  WHAT'S GOING ON!!!!  This literally went on for about 10 minutes with my son laughing while being annoyed with me at the same time.  I almost took a video of me lip syncing it to him at school the next day...... (perhaps tomorrow.)

Anyway, this whole bathroom controversy has me singing the chorus again "WHAT'S GOING ON."  How did we as a country become oblivious to the fact that transgender people have been using the bathroom that associates with their gender preference for years, and now it's like "Oh heavens think of the children" and "we must protect the women."  Don't get me wrong, of course protecting women and children (and men as well) are important.  I just don't see how North Carolina (and other states) laws will help to protect them.  A man going into women’s restrooms to abuse women is already against the law.  A man going into the bathroom to molest children is against the law.  How does further marginalizing an already very marginalized population help to accomplish the goal of protecting women and children?  And I also ask, where is the evidence that such a law is needed .Now, I'm not a lawmaker, but I have to believe that when a law is passed (that is for the protection of the people) than there should be some evidence to back up their argument that this law is needed.  Take speed limits for example.  I'm sure that some good evidence is out there to show that slowing down in neighborhoods protects people from getting hurt.  I don't think that the number 25 just popped into someone's head.  The same can be said for crosswalks and where they are needed, school crossings (it's sad, however children do die or are injured before areas implement improved crosswalk procedures.)  However more to my point, when injuries go down, it shows that there is good evidence that improving crosswalks or having crossing guards helps to reduce harm to the population as a whole.  So, here is my question.  Where is the evidence that this law is even needed?

I've heard people say "It's not that we are afraid of transgender people assaulting women and children, we are afraid of the sex offenders who will take advantage of this loophole to be able to take advantage of women and children."  Again, I ask how often is this happening.  I know that it has happened, and that once is too much, but is the sample size so great that we have to take these types of measures to protect our citizens?  What evidence do the great legislators of North Carolina have that making a person use the restroom that matches the gender on their birth certificate will reduce bathroom violence? Since there isn't any, this is why I consider these types of bills to be fear mongering.  So, instead of stories, or anecdotal evidence, here is proof of what I am talking about.

The truth about gender inclusive bathrooms in the United States.  I call particular attention to these paragraphs:

“Over 200 municipalities and 18 states have nondiscrimination laws protecting transgender people’s access to facilities consistent with the gender they live every day,” according to the coalition. "None of those jurisdictions have [sic] seen a rise in sexual violence or other public safety issues due to nondiscrimination laws. Assaulting another person in a restroom or changing room remains against the law in every single state.”

Strangio also noted that allowing transgender people to use the bathroom corresponding to their gender identity “doesn’t increase in any way public safety incidents.”

There are two central falsehoods to the legislators’ reasoning, Strangio said. One is "that transgender people aren’t real and [are] inherently dangerous.” The second falsehood is that without HB2, "non-transgender people will take advantage" of the situation -- for example, a man could dress up as a woman to enter a woman's bathroom.

“All this does is to heighten gender policing of everyone by law enforcement, and individual people who do not conform to gender norms are targeted"

So much of what I have seen in the public and on the news is pure fearmongering. I even saw a video that was posted to Facebook that had good intentions of allowing the public to see the faces and hear the horrific stories of women who have been abused, however it started out by saying "states are looking at making laws, making it OK for men to go into the women's room."  REALLY!!!  No, no, no, no, no.  No bill is trying to say that.  Again, fear mongering, at the expense of people whose stories need to be heard. I've heard the argument that a teenage boy will use this to his advantage to be able to go into the women's room or dressing room. Look, I was in High School and Jr. High.  I remember what it was like. There were two insults that could get thrown at a teenage boy that would get his blood boiling.  One "you're gay".  The other "you're such a girl" or some other derivative.  I remember well when I was playing sports into High School, and not one practice would go by without a coach insulting a player's manhood by saying "come on ladies, run faster" or "you throw like a girl."  These were not handed out as compliments. Quite frankly for me it was quite problematic, because I did feel like a girl on the inside, yet I knew I was a boy on the outside, and then I was insulted for doing something like a girl.  Just added to the shame.... but I digress.  Anyway, my point is (and I'm capitalizing for emphasis, not because I'm shouting) IF A TEENAGE BOY COMES OUT AS TRANSGENDER, THERE IS TREMENDOUS SOCIAL FALLOUT, WHICH PREVENTS MANY TRANSGENDER TEENAGERS FROM COMING OUT.  FOR A CIS-BOY TO COME OUT AS TRANS, THE SOCIAL FALLOUT WOULD BE MUCH GREATER THAN THE JOLLIES THEY MAY GET BY HAVING ACCESS TO THE GIRLS ROOM!!!!  I have a friend whose son is transgender.  Female to Male.  He told me that his son would be PETRIFIED of showering  in the men's room.  I don't think that he is alone in this feeling.  Being a teenager is hard enough.  Being a transgender teen is even more difficult.  I have such admiration for those who are able to express who they are at such a young age.  I was much to cowardly.  Now, here is where I may deviate from the norm transgender group.  I've always been accused of being a people pleaser, I guess that is what happens when you are a middle child.  I've always been able to seek for and find middle ground.  I have an office between two others on my side of the office building (there are only three offices on that side), I live in the middle unit of town homes, my favorite song from the 90's was Jimmy Eat World's "In the Middle.... (Ok, that last one is a joke), but I believe that accommodations should be made for individuals who are transgender to use separate locker or changing rooms.  I guess I see where the other side is coming from and why there are concerns, even if I don't believe that the concerns are necessarily true.  I believe that middle ground can and must be found in order for our whole community to feel safe. I read a story of a trans girl who was offered special accommodations for the locker room at her High School and she refused saying in essence "I am a girl and should be able to use the girls room."  Honestly, that story made me cringe.  To me, that is not how we as the transgender community will gain empathy from others.  Compromise is the key to that, not stomping our feet. 

So, I want to get more to the point and the title of this blog post.  I attended a work conference today, and our keynote speaker was a man by the name of Dr. Matt Townsend. He spoke about the importance of relationships.  He used the analogy that often times in our relationships, we get confused when we begin to see smoke and we focus on the smoke, and not on the fire.  Most deaths in a fire is from the smoke, not the fire itself, so it's dangerous to focus on the smoke.  All the headlines we see recently are all smoke.  His next analogy of what is really going on was the fire.  And within relationships, often times the fire is going on because the other person doesn't feel safe, trusted, etc.  So, you ask me what's going on.  We don't feel safe as a community, or as a nation.  So instead of focusing on the real issues (like the rape culture of America, pornography, sexualizing of young girls etc) we get caught up in the smoke of bathrooms.  What is rape culture you may ask.  The type of culture where a woman is more victimized prosecuting her rapist than when she was being raped.  Where the victim is blamed "Oh, she shouldn't have worn that tight outfit, she was leading him on, she may have said no, but her eyes were saying yes."  I had a client come into my office two weeks ago and she had been raped over the weekend.  She had been abusing prescription pain meds and a man took advantage of her.  She sobbed as she told me the story.  Every part of me wanted her to go to the police and nail this bastard to the wall.  She had photos of the bruising on her arms and back as he held her down.  But she was more scared about dealing with being re-victimized by a system that is supposed to protect her that she just isn't able to, and the sad thing is..... I couldn't disagree with her.  I encouraged as much as i could, however in doing so, if I pushed harder, she could have been re-victimized. I really believe that all of this comes down to not feeling safe.  Another example of this type of mentality.  How many sexual partners is it OK for a man to have in our society.  One of my favorite TV shows is How I met Your Mother.  One of the main themes throughout the show was that of Barney's sexual escapades.  One episode focused on how he was able to bat 1000 during a month (30 women in 30 days.)  Now, let's flip that role.  Let's say that was a women doing those things, would she be celebrated?  No.  She'd be called a slut, a whore etc.  There is such a double standard there.  We need to take a closer look at how we view sex and sexual abuse within our community.  We need to find laws and ways to protect victims of sexual abuse, but also find ways to decrease incidents of sexual abuse.  (I'll get to some of my ideas a bit later.)  I believe everyone deserves to feel safe.  I don't think that anyone would disagree with that.  I believe we need to focus on the fire that is not feeling safe, instead of the smoke that allowing transgender people access to the bathrooms of their preferred gender will lead to more sexual abuse.  That just is not the case.  So, I saw this meme that perfectly sums things up for me.  It may be a little offensive to some, and that isn't my intent, but when we look at the statistics of who the sexual predators are, well have a look...

I must add however that obviously not all heterosexual men (and certainly most) are not predatory animals, However statistics show that the the vast majority of sexual assault is perpetrated by a heterosexual male.  And this my friends is what I believe is "what's going on..."

The following link is another example of smoke being thrown up in our faces to not deal with the real issues...

5 stories media ignored while arguing about the bathroom 

So, what are we going to do about it.......

Well, let me start with the simplest and yet the most difficult.  The Apostle John stated in 1 John 4:8 that perfect love casteth out fear.  Simple right?  Well of course that is the ideal.  If ALL of us could love one another, than we wouldn't live with fear, right?  But obviously, we do have people in our society who don't love one another, don't respect the rights and privacy of one another.  I still say that if we are to truly live our faith, we need to strive to love, even them!  (Easier said than done, I know). I further believe that love and respect go hand in hand.  I was at a conference for work recently and the keynote speaker pointed out that part of the word reSPECT is also the root of spectacle.  "To see".  In order to respect someone, we need to see them, who they are and walk a mile in their shoes so to say.  I was talking to my brother the other day.  He was having a conversation with someone who used to be a member, and has now left the church.  The conversation went something like this: Brother's Friend "Ya know, If I was Satan, and I was trying to go after a true blue Mormon, who goes to church every week, attends the temple, says their prayers, reads their scriptures, holds FHE, ya know the almost perfect Mormon.  There is no way I'm going to be able to tempt him to break the 10 commandments.  Stealing, lying, murder, adultery, lust, etc just isn't in their nature.  But what about the commandment that Jesus left us with.  To Love God and Love our neighbor.  Well, that's where I'd go.  It'd be much easier to manipulate someone into hating their neighbor than those other commandments.  I'd then disguise it by saying that I "Love the sinner, but hate the sin."  That way, not only are they showing some kind of hate in their heart, but they are also judging their neighbors.  That's two sins right there!"  I really believe that he is right.  We lack respect, because we don't take the time to see others as they truly are.

Secondly, we can educate ourselves.  In the ever classic Batman Begins (Any Batman reference is a good reference!!), a young Bruce Wayne goes to confront the mob boss of Gotham, Carmine Falcone.  Carmine looks at Bruce and tells him that there is no way that Bruce could ever understand where these criminals came from.  He was "Bruce Wayne, the prince of Gotham."  Carmine then said "You don't understand kid, and you always fear what you don't understand."  Carmine's thugs then rough him up and send him on his way.  Bruce then takes off for several years to live a life as a criminal, so he could understand their way of thinking. After getting out of jail, Ra's Al Ghoul asks Bruce about his life as a criminal and if he learned anything.  He stated that he learned that when stealing things such as food to survive, he began to question his beliefs about what it means to be a criminal. He started questioning the simple idea of what is right and wrong.  This was never said, but as the movies unfolded, it became clear that he learned that it wasn't him to be judge, jury etc.  He just helped to catch the bad guys, he was not their judge.  This led to him not being able to kill the criminals he was after. He stood by that code.  He realized that he wasn't the judge, jury and executioner, even in a city with such a messed up criminal justice system as Gotham. He understood these criminals on a level that others couldn't.  So, I've already pointed you to a site that explains that transgender or gender inclusive bathroom laws don't show any increase of sexual abuse in those states.  Did you know that 73% of sexual abuse victims knew their victims and only 27% didn't know them.  Now of course any sexual abuse is too high, but stranger sexual abuse is very quite low.  Bathroom sexual violence would generally fall under the stranger sexual abuse.  Fact Sheet.  Once properly educated, we can teach our children, wives etc. that someone who is truly transgender is not going to go into a women's room in a dress with a full on beard and just stand around.  Nor will they look like a woman (or as close as they can) and just stand around.  They will be doing what everyone else is doing.  Doing their business and getting out of there as fast as they can.  If something looks off, use another restroom.  If your worried about your kids go with them, stand outside the bathroom if you must.  My co-worker will go to the bathroom and as her kids go in, she says something as they go in, so if someone is in there, they will know that momma bear is waiting outside.  

Thirdly and at this point lastly, We need to take a look at how pornography is playing a role in sexual abuse.  Porn is everywhere!  A quick google search on pornagraphy and the brain will bring up multiple articles on the harm of pornography on the brain.  I applauded Utah for making this a public health issue, because it truly is. To me, this most certainly is a MUCH bigger issue than the bathroom issue.  Here are some ways to get involved, and get educated about the problem that is pornography.  Fight the new drug

In closing, I'd just like to point out why I get so passionate about not only this issue but trans issues in general.  See, when I was a teenager, I had two great secrets.  If you're reading this blog, you can probably guess what the first one was.  The second one.  I was terribly depressed and hated myself and was ashamed of myself.  I was afraid of death, (mainly because I was certain I would not go to the Celestial kingdom because of how evil I was), so I never really got suicidal.  However, I'm fairly sure that if the things I see on social media today were said to me back than,  I wouldn't be here now.  I don't mean accepting me being transgender.  I mean I would have killed myself.  I'm almost certain.  So much of what I see is just misguided, misworded and sometimes downright ignorant.  As an adult, some of these comments have made me question my life on this earth, so I just couldn't imagine how I would've handled it back then. I'm tired of seeing about or hearing about transgender teen suicides and transgender suicides in general.  It's why I came out.  I want to see suicides go down and understanding go up.  I have such passion, because I don't want a teenager, who is questioning their gender identity to see what others are posting, and that becomes the last straw.  I really wish that people could see that what they post on social media has an impact way beyond.  I've noticed that when discussing these issues, I tend to come across harsher than I may have intended.  There is a simple reason for that.  I'm passionate about saving lives.  Being trans is hard enough.  Being a teenager is hard enough.  Being a transgender teenager...... HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!  Let's work hard to not make things even more difficult for our children.  Teach them to love, listen and learn from one another.  Teach them to embrace differences, then live these principles ourselves.   

Cha, Cha Cha Changes.....

So, today is Transgender Day Of Visibility.  Obviously, if your reading this, you know that I identify as Transgender.  As a friend of mine said "visibility is important, because it helps to break down barriers."  I really liked how he said that. (Thanks Mat!)  I know that part of the reason I lived in denial for so long was due to my own preconceived notions of what it meant to be transgender.  Well, as I've come to learn, don't believe the stereotypes.  I had a friend post a picture saying of him wearing a t-shirt that said "This is what trans looks like."  One of the comments made was "So trans people look like......humans?"  What a great comment!  So, how does this all tie in with the title of my blog, Changes?

Well, since coming out, I've been keeping two separate Facebook accounts.  This was for several reasons.  One, I wasn't sure that I wanted to share so much of my transgender life on Facebook.  Two, my wife needed a buffer from her "old reality" to her "new reality." And finally, I was worried that if I was too open and forward, than I'd lose some family members or friends.  And honestly, I don't blame anyone if I make them uncomfortable.  While I hope for inclusion and understanding, I also get that being around someone who is trans can be uncomfortable.  When I was in college, (and obviously in a great deal of denial) I had a transgender woman in my classes, and she made me uncomfortable.  I wish I remember her last name, so I could go back in contact with her and pick her brain some more, but being honest, I was uncomfortable being around her, and it was due to me not having any previous exposure to trans people. Point being I get why people might be uncomfortable with this.  It's also why I try not to be too pushy.

I've come to a point now, where having two Facebook accounts, is just to time consuming, and I really need to simplify.  I've thought about this for literally months, how to be more authentic, while balancing other people's feelings.  The other day, Mitch Mayne, a Gay, active Mormon living in San Francisco made the following statement

"As LGBT Mormons our lives are unusually full of people who want to share their opinions about how we should live. Most days it seems we can't be [trans] enough for the [transgender] community or Mormon enough for the LDS community."

I so can relate to this statement.  I fell like this on a daily basis.  So, this leads up to a change I'm going to be making.  I'm going to be merging my two Facebook accounts.  The change will really be minor, but I realize that it will make the situation more real for many of you.  In the LDS trans community (and my other Facebook account" I am know by my preferred female name of Lexi.  So, I will be adding (Lexi) to the end of my name on Facebook.  That's it really.  Nothing else will change, except I will be adding more friends from the LDS trans community.  I hope that this will make my life easier.  If it makes any of my friends or family uncomfortable, and they feel a need to unfriend me, I understand that, and I won't hold any hard feelings against them.  I hope that doesn't happen.  

I am really looking forward to being more authentic to myself.  I'm so grateful to my wife and family for all the support I have been given.

Until next time.....

Why Do I keep Doing This?

There are times where I ask myself if it's worth writing this blog.  Some posts are very emotional for me and I wonder if it's worth it.  I know that this is petty of me, but when I see very few likes on Facebook, I get down.  I know that I shouldn't because, well, I do this for me primarily and hope to help others in the process.

I was really wondering about why I keep this blog going a few weeks ago, when someone I served my mission with commented on Facebook "This makes me sick."  Since he has left the church, I didn't know if the fact that I was staying in the Church was making him sick, but I had a feeling that it was me being trans. My initial reaction was to attack, but the spirit whispered to hold off.  I took most of the day and sent him a private message later in the day.  We had a decent conversation, It's clear that he is uncomfortable with trans people, however his most pertinent experiences with trans people was in what he called a "tranny bar," which I asked him to not clump me or my group into that same category, as we are striving to stay true to Christ.  I realize that a person's first introduction to a transgender person goes a long way to how trans people will be viewed later.  I had another distant family member whose only experience with trans people was in Portland, and watching trans people bar hop.  I asked if it would have made a difference if his first exposure would have been in a FHE setting, with other trans folks reading the Book of Mormon, and bearing testimony of the savior would change his views, and he didn't have an answer.  (Which I get, It's hard to know.)

Then, last week, I got a message from someone whose child just came out as gay.  Now, even though being gay and transgender are two different issues, the impact for this person was very deep.  They had been following my blog and wanted to know how best to support their son.  Because of my associations with Northstar, I do have some resources for them, I do have parents they can talk to, but most of all, I have empathy.  I have some semblance of what they are going through.  Fortunately, their primary concern was to make sure that their child was loved, no matter what path they take.  I was grateful to hear that.  There are too many horror stories about children being abandoned by their parents, simply because they have an LGBT child.  Love is always the answer.

So, with that one contact, I know I made at least a small difference in someone else's life.  I often remember this poem, especially with being a social worker,  There is so much need out there, how can I possibly make a difference.  Well, here is my answer.

So, I will keep on.  I want to and need to share my story and my experiences.  I want people to have a different view of trans people than what they have been force fed by the national media, or other places that put trans people in a negative light.  I want my Mormon friends to realize that it is possible to be trans and remain an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I want others to know of my testimony of my saviour Jesus Christ and that I know during my darkest times, he knows what I am going through.  No matter how much I want to tell myself I'm alone, I know that I am not.  

Feeling a renewed sense of hope and purpose

This past weekend was the Northstar conference, and the conference theme was Upon The Rock of Christ.  What an inspiring, uplifting, hope filled weekend.  As the conference was ending, not only was I crying due to the beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace which was being sung, but I realized that the conference was over and it would be back to life as usual when we left the conference.  I was sad that the friends I got to see who traveled from out of state, I wouldn't be seeing again for a while.  I was sad that the new friends I had made I wouldn't be seeing for awhile again as well.  I love this conference and I am proud to be part of the Northstar family, because that is what it feels like. Whether people are LGBT, allies, family and friends etc, there is just a sense of community and family.  People taking time to talk to me, get to know me.  Testimonies were shared, admiration was expressed.  The people in the conference each have their challenges, however we share in our love of our Savior and in his gospel.  I'd like to take a moment and share some experiences, thoughts etc. from the last three days.

Thursday night was the service project.  What an awesome night to witness my wife in her element, as she was in charge of organizing the event.  I watched with such pride as I saw so many people fill the room for not only dinner, but to be able to serve others.  I was humbled as I was able to talk to other people and learn of their challenges and how they are striving to remain close to Christ.  I witnessed two members of my Ward, who decided to dedicate much of their time on Thursday night teaching us how to make "courage capes" which will be delivered to local pediatric wards at area hospitals to give to kids who are undergoing some kind of surgery.  I got to speak to others while we put together kid kits which were delivered to the local food pantry to be given to children who have little to no food to allow them to be fed for the weekend.  I watched with pride as my 10 year old daughter worked so hard to help cutting out the fabric for these capes, and my other children interacting with others at the conference, and truly being on their best behavior.  My heart was full of joy as I thought about the good we were doing, and at how well the event turned out because I knew that my wife had done something amazing which she most certainly would be proud of!!!

The next morning was the first day of conference.  Seeing friends that I hadn't seen in a year was such a happy reunion!!!!  It's amazing the bond you feel when you are with others who understand what you are going through.  Some of these people I only met at last years conference and have only kept in touch through Facebook, but I feel such a connection with them, almost like they are family.  I felt enveloped in their love.  The opening keynote speaker was incredible.  His testimony of Christ was amazing, and his love for his brother's and sister's was felt.  Two moments from the opening session really set the tone for me.  First, this quote "God has more grace, than we have sins."  What a beautiful, simple and true thought.  God's grace is infinite, and fortunately our sins are finite.  If we turn to him, his Grace is sufficient.  Secondly, the closing hymn was "I believe in Christ."  A hymn that I have sung hundreds of times, and this time, the fourth verse really struck a chord with me.

I believe in Christ, so come what may

With him I'll stand, at that great day

When on this earth he comes again 

to rule among the sons of men. 

The opening line of that verse really hit me.  While I have been experiencing my own struggles, because I believe in Christ and I maintain a testimony of him, I can overcome any trials and stand with him at his second coming.  I have begun to realize just how much I was concerned about the judgements of men, as opposed to the judgements of Christ.  I know he loves me, he has confirmed to me that I am walking the path he has prepared for me.

The rest of the conference that day had breakout sessions etc, each focused on helping those in the LGBT community learn how to stay close and connected to the gospel, how to support loved ones who are LGBT and stay in the church or have chosen to leave.  The overwhelming message for both was simple.  Love.  In this church, we value agency.  Sometimes people choose to leave the Church.  Agency allows that, and we don't get to judge them, because we don't know what's in their heart or mind at the time they made that decision.  Christ is their judge, so we leave judgement to Him. Se we love them, we stay in contact with them. We keep them in our prayers, keep them connected with the family etc.  Did I mention that we LOVE them?

Saturday morning was an even more spiritual day for me.  The opening speaker was Sister Virginia Hinckley Pearce, daughter of President Gordon B. Hinckley.  I felt not only the spirit of our Heavenly Father, but the spirit of her father there as well.  Oh, how I miss President Hinckley.  His seemingly infinite amount of optimism, his messages of being happy, having faith that all will work out as we stay faithful, all came flooding back as I heard his daughter speak.  The first breakout session that I attended dealt with communicating with Church Leaders about LGBT issues and the church.  There were over 150 people in the room and about 80 leaders in there.  I don't know if any of those church leaders will see this, but a HUGE THANK YOU for taking the time out of your busy Saturday's to attend a conference so you can better understand how to minister to the LGBT community in your congregations.  

Ed Hayward, whose daughter is Transgender and who starred along with her daughter in the documentary Transmormon (you can look it up on youtube) began speaking, the flood gates began opening up.  I ugly cried throughout the presentation.  He put into words what I have wanted to say, but didn't have the words for in regards to why my interactions with my church leaders have been so painful.  He said "When a transgender person is sitting across from you, telling you that they are transgender, what they are really asking you is....can you still love me?"  I have not cried as hard as I did in that moment, as I realized that part of the sting of the interactions with my church leaders, is that I did not feel as though they loved me.  They wanted to fix me, telling me (although unintentionally) that I was some kind of mistake.  Again, this is just another reason I'm grateful for Northstar, because of them, I had the courage to come out to family, friends etc, and know that the answer to the question of "can you love me" which I was asking in coming out to them, is a resounding YES!!  I am so grateful for my wonderful family and friends who continue to show their love for me and love me for me, and don't view me any different than they did before I told them.

I had the privilege of being able to present during this conference on the topic of "Finding Peace in our Transgender Relationships." Just prior to my session, a couple who I had seen in the previous session stopped me in the hallway and commented on how good that session was.  I agreed and told him that I was transgender and that Ed's comments especially hit me.  He validated how difficult this journey I am on must be, which caused tears to begin welling up in my eyes.  He asked if he could hug me, which I completely agreed to.   Again, the conference just exuded love.  I felt this couple's love, and I did not know them, I don't even know their names! Then It was time for my presentation. I absolutely LOVED presenting!!!!  I had so much fun.  The feedback I got after the presentation was very positive (I guess I'll find out how true that was when the anonymous survey's are filled out!!!!)  But it was very fun.  I was very surprised at how well I kept my composure as throughout the conference, I felt this overwhelming sense of love towards my wife.  She is just simply AMAZING.  She didn't have to stay with me.  She could have said that 14 years of lying to her was more than she could bear.  She could have freaked out and barred me from seeking out support or interacting at all with others in the LDS, transgender community.  But, she stayed.  She stayed because she loves me, who I am on the inside and whatever that looks like on the outside.  She LOVES me, and I LOVE her.  I got to brag about her during my presentation, and I thought I would start crying during those times, but I didn't.  The Lord strengthened me and allowed me to complete my presentation.

Tina and I skipped the next break out session to participate in Northstar's new video campaign #truetohim.  I got to share a small portion of my story and discuss how I am true to him.  How I am true to the savior.  I'm not sure when that video will be put out, but believe me, I'll be posting it all over Facebook.  Another exciting development, is that Tina and I have decided to participate in Northstar's Voices of Hope video interviews.  We will be interviewed and share our story about being transgender in the LDS church.  The video will then be put up on Northstar's website, and yes, I will let everyone know when that video hits.

After the conference, I was filled with gratitude for the spirit that I felt, and also with a sense of sadness.  I LOVE these people.  I love the sense of community, friendship and family that is created when we get together.  A few of us were able to go out to eat afterwards and just talk.   Talk about our struggles, triumphs, and just life in general.  It was difficult to watch people walk out of the restaurant and back to their homes, wherever that may be.  I know that i'll see them again, and thanks to Facebook, we will keep in touch.

In closing, I know that my Savior lives.  I have felt his influence in my life more so over the last 10 days, than perhaps ever in my life.  I hope to be able to continue to reach out to others in the LDS transgender community and allow them to feel welcome and loved, as others have welcomed and loved me.  Thank you Northstar for putting on such a wonderful conference.  I can't wait till next year!!!!

It's getting vulnerable in here.....

To this point in this blog, I have generally focused on some of the positive things that I have been doing to navigate through the quagmire that is Gender Dysphoria.  In looking at my posts, while these were absolutely my feelings, I've shied away from the difficult feelings that I experience.  I guess I wanted to protect any readers of this blog from feeling sorry from me.  Maybe I didn't want to put myself out there, or talk about other real struggles I am having.  These issues are often gut wrenching and I don't particularly like to talk about it to others, but on the other hand, how am I supposed to accomplish my goal of letting the reader better understand what life is like as a gender dysphoric person, without discussing the pain and some of the muck that goes along with it.  I know that talking about it can be healing.  I certainly hope so, as I am in as much pain now, as I have been in some time.

I guess this goes back to about three weeks ago.  I was feeling fine, great, WONDERFUL in fact.  I was smiling again, eating better etc.  I had an appointment for therapy, and I had thought about canceling it, but then thought, It might be good to run some thoughts by him.  We discussed how good I was doing, some of the good I had done, some service I had done, all things that were tremendously healing for me.  With about 10 minutes to go, something that I had thought I wanted to talk about, but didn't think it was a big enough deal to talk about unless we had some time.  (This is referred to as a door knob confession, you have a great session, and on your way out, the client says, Oh, by the way, I'm going to kill myself when I get home!)  Now, this conversation wasn't as dramatic, however it was certainly just as intense for me.

I asked Rich, my therapist what he knew about dream interpretation.  Now knowing that I had ZERO training in dream analysis, I figured that he wouldn't know much, and he acknowledged as such.  He asked me why I was asking.  I began telling him "I've had this type of recurring dream my whole life, with different players, different settings, etc, with the same general theme.  When I was younger and before I came out as Transgender to my wife, the dream would include me wearing some sort of women's clothing, and running through a crowded hallway, desperately trying to find a place where I could change so I wouldn't be embarrassed.  I ran and ran and ran, into one bathroom, only to find it locked, into a classroom, only to find it full of students.  I spent the whole dream looking for a place to change and never found it."  This type of dream has always been a part of my life, however on a side note, since coming out, the dream has changed.  This time, i'm in a public place, wearing women's clothes, and I'm totally proud of myself.  I'm not embarrassed.  I'm talking, laughing with others etc.  I feel as though coming out relieved the burden of trying to keep this a secret. Anyway, back to therapy......"Since coming out, these dreams of trying to find something that I just can't get to no matter how hard I try, continues on an almost weekly basis. The most recent one, I was coming home from a trip, and I had to find this backpack.  I looked and looked and looked all during my dream, and I couldn't find it.  I asked for help from my wife, my mom, anyone I knew to help me, but I never found it". I honestly hadn't given these types of dreams much thought, I just figured that there was more for me to do, and I wasn't reaching my full potential, but I couldn't figure out what it was.  Was I not a good enough Father, Husband, member of the church etc?  I didn't know.

Rich looked at me almost like he couldn't believe that I didn't have the answer.  His words pierced me through the heart and I truly haven't been the same since.  He said "In my opinion, your reaching for your gender, the gender that is comfortable to you, and that's something that you may never reach."  I ugly cried for about 5 minutes after that comment.  I knew it was true.  No matter what I do on this earth (even if I were to go to the extreme and seek surgery..... which I am not planning on), it still wouldn't make me the natal female that I feel like inside.  It was one of those moments in therapy when I realized that I was once again putting on a facade that all was well, but it wasn't.  I was terribly sad and depressed and dysphoric inside.

Since then, the dysphoria has gotten steadily worse, as I realize that the months of claiming to be OK have been boiling to the top and resurfacing.  I had a panic attack during Sacrament meeting.  (I was feeling very nervous going into the meeting, but thought I had an easy way out, should the need arise, when another family came in and sat down next to my family, sealing me in so to say") I was able to utilize deep breathing to get me through, but the pain was to great.  I had to leave after Sacrament meeting.  I apologize to those who spoke, I have no idea what was said, I was focusing on my breathing as opposed to you words and opposed to the pain and depression I was experiencing. I haven't attended Elder's Quorum for about a month now.  I just can't seem to walk into that classroom.  The anxiety skyrockets as I interact with men and am taught about male responsibilities, when i don't feel like a man on the inside.  I know what I am on the outside, It just doesn't match who I am inside.

 I also am finding that pronouns are really beginning to bother me.  This hasn't always been the case.  But every time I go out to eat, to a convenience store and hear "Sir, can I help you?" or "Have a nice day sir" it feels like a punch in the gut.  Am I mad at them for saying these things.... OF COURSE NOT.  They truly don't know better, I present as male all the time in public, so no one would know.  It just hurts.  It's this constant reminder that I will always be a sir, when what I really wish for is to hear "Thank you Ma'am."   I walk out of those places with a fake smile on my face and a real tear in my eye.  How I wish this society could get over the gender norms that have been placed upon us.  You may be thinking "It's only clothing, it's no big deal."  But clothing and gender expression are a BIG DEAL!  Every day, I go to work, in clothes that society tells me I have to wear due to my gender assignment at birth.  I see men looking (seemingly confident) in the clothes that they wear and are able to express themselves, and Women also being able to express themselves.  It leads to anger, jealously and depression.  I ask myself why me?  Why must I go through this?  It sucks....GENDER DYSPHORIA SUCKS!!!!!!!  I don't know what else to say.  I'd like to ask for prayers, as I am really struggling right now.  I'm not suicidal, so don't call the cops or anything, or think this is my last post, I'm not hopeless, just hurting right now.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I hope that this can be of some kind of help to someone.

My Testimony

I wish that I could take credit for this particular post, however I got this idea from someone in one of the online support groups I am a part of.  She felt that there was an overall sense of negativity creeping into the group and wanted to share her testimony as a way to curtail and bring the Spirit back into the group.  It made me reflect on my own testimony of the Gospel and to review what I know to be true.


Since coming out as Transgender, certain experiences negatively influenced my testimony.  I honestly didn't know what I believed to be true anymore.  I felt more and more distant from my Heavenly Father, I didn't and couldn't feel his love for me.  I became angry and bitter towards those that had hurt me.  I was angry and bitter towards members of my extended family and other friends, people who are LDS, and followers of Christ, continue to post hurtful, hateful things about the Transgender community.  I thought, how can they purport to be a follower of Christ and say these things about their brothers and sisters.  As you can tell by that last comment, I also became more and more judgmental. 


After some time, I began to realize that it wasn't Heavenly Father who moved away from me, but I had moved away from him.  I began praying.  At first it was just a formality.  I was praying because that is what is expected of me.  After a few months, He began to answer, with whispers of "I Love You", "Be patient, this is only temporary" and other comforting thoughts.  This strengthened my testimony of Him and His love for me.


Despite this, I still had some doubts about the Church as a whole, the structure of the Church.  I could feel my testimony of the Gospel coming back, but struggling with even going to Church.  I still attended (mainly because I was in the Primary, and I really enjoyed that calling), but it was a struggle.  One day, this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was either read, or I heard it.  It said "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited." That really struck me.  I knew I had a testimony of my Heavenly Father and also of Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer.  And to be honest at that time, that was the ONLY ground I had won.  Everything else seemed to be in doubt.  As time has gone by, I have gained some more ground, this ground was won through prayer, pondering and studying, and this is what I would like to share:


I know that I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father who loves me, more than I can imagine.  Because of his love, he sent his Only begotten Son, Jesus Christ to atone for the sins of the world, and I also know that his love is so much, that even if I were the only one on earth, he would have atoned just for my sins.  I have grown closer to them as I have gone through this trial than I ever thought possible.  I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon.  I'm reading it once again on a daily basis, and the truths of that book are truly touching to me.  It's testimony of the Savior is simply beautiful. I have come to gain a greater appreciation for the Priesthood as I have seen it work so powerfully in my life.  As you can see, I'm gaining more ground, and still have more ground to gain.  Yet saying that, I am in such a better place with my testimony than I have in a long time.


Reflecting on the almost two years since I first told my wife, I can see how trials bring blessing.  I feel a love for her greater than I ever have.  We are able to communicate on a much deeper level, which leads to greater connection.  As stated above, I feel my Saviors love more intensely than I have ever in my life.  I have found great companionship in support groups with like minded individuals who have similar struggles as me, or have family members with Gender Dysphoria.  I feel so loved when I am able to get together with them for our monthly Family Home Evenings or other get togethers, It's a feeling of connectedness that I'm not sure I have ever felt.  (And yes, I need to attend more of them.... Looking forward to next weeks!!) 


Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I do feel grateful for all that I have, despite going through difficult times.

As Joe Cocker and the Beatles stated, I get by "with a little help from my friends!!"

In one of my previous posts, I introduced you to one of my friends, the Genderbread person.




This to me is a fantastic graphic describing the differences between a person's gender identity, their sexual orientation, their biological sex etc.  If you notice over on the right, there is a spectrum of gender identities, some identify as neutral or non gendered, others feel fully male or female. And within biological sex, there are those who are born intersex, with parts of both male and female reproductive systems. (People who feel as though their biological sex and gender match are called cis-gender).  For me, I feel as though my biological sex does not match my gender which causes dysphoria.  The medical condition is called Gender Dysphoria.  The definition for Dysphoria is:  "a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life."  So Gender Dysphoria is a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction or disconnect between their biological sex and their gender.  Initially, many transgender people experience what has been termed "Gender Identity Incongruence", which is an overall feeling that something doesn't match, however no big deal.  Often times, this feeling goes away.  For me, and other people who are Transgender, this continues on into puberty and into adulthood and grows into full blown Dysphoria.  This Dysphoria for me tends to come out in a variety of ways, such as:

1 .Looking at myself in the mirror, and not recognizing the person in front of me.
2. Wishing and hoping that some miracle will occur to turn me into a woman (and then when the reality happens that is not going to happen, depression often follows.)
3. Jealously.  I honestly often times get jealous, not only of other women, but of men as well.  How I would LONG to feel comfortable not only in my own body, but within my gender/biological sex.  At times, I get overwhelmed with knowing that I quite possibly could be the only one in a room that experiences Gender Dysphoria, which leads to.......
4. Lonliness-  I often feel so alone and so overwhelmed at my loneliness that it leads to ....
5.  Depression:  I often get depressed and am currently on anti-depressants and therapy to cope with this depression.
5. Anxiety:  I have had panic attacks (or near panic attacks due to the disconnect I feel between my gender identity and my biological sex.) 
6:  Anger.  I really get frustrated with the gender norms of our society.  As evidenced by the Genderbread person, a person's gender expression is an important part of who they are.  I've used this analogy before, and I think it bears repeating again.  If a woman wants to go out with short hair, in a t-shirt, jeans, sneakers etc, no one even gives it a second thought.  We also must realize it wasn't always this way. However, if a man wants to go out in a dress, skirt, blouse or high heels.... well to quote one of my favorite movie villains of all time........














This gets really frustrating to me, however it is the society that we live in.

Given that there are a wide variety of ways that people experience Gender Dysphoria, there are an equal number of ways that people choose to cope with their gender Dysphoria.  I'd like to post two videos of two people who have chosen two different ways to manage their Gender Dypshoria, and please note, that in talking to each of them, they will both tell you that their stories are theirs alone,and they are in no way stating that theirs is the ONLY path, each transgender individual needs to find their own way.  The first video is from a friend of mine named Nick. You can watch his video Here. The other story comes from other friends Neca Allgood, and Grayson Moore and their video can be seen Here. 

In the above linked videos, we see two examples of two people who have chosen for whatever reasons to cope with their gender dysphoria in different ways.  I personally fall somewhere between the two.  I believe that for me, a full time transition (such as Grayson) is not for me.  I don't believe that is my path, and I also have found that when I do nothing to express my gender identity, everything in my life falls apart.  My work suffers, my family suffers, my emotional health suffers, my spiritual health suffers.  I wish this was something that could be prayed away, as I have tried to pray it away, plead for increased strength etc. That is why I dress on occasion to help balance out the Gender Dysphoria.

I was so grateful to find a support group where all points of view are accepted.  Just like there is a myriad of ways to deal with depression, anxiety, etc, there isn't a one size fits all solution to working with and coping with Gender Dysphoria.  This was comforting to me.  I had believed that there was only one way, and that was to transition, making my decision to come out even scarier for me, because I'd have to face that possibility.  So, I ask that when you come across someone who is transgender, remember that first and foremost they are children of a loving Heavenly Father.  Because he loves us so much, he gives each of us agency to act according to the "dictates of our own conscience".  We don't know their story, we haven't walked a mile in their shoes.  Whatever decision they make is theirs to make, and within an LDS context (or religious one in general) is between them and their Heavenly Father.   For those that are married or have children, I certainly would advocate that including them in the decision should also be done.

So, to my Transgender friends, comment below on how you experience Dysphoria.  Are there any on my list that you would like to add?  Feel free and comment below.